


show me the way that’s home

by sosgay



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Frat Bro Naruto, M/M, Naruto has No Braincells, Sasuke has one braincell but it leaves whenever Naruto is around, idiots to lovers, technically a soccer au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28456875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sosgay/pseuds/sosgay
Summary: Naruto calls Sasuke bro because that’s what they are. They’re best bros, and best roommates, and best Mario Party partners. And really, if Naruto sometimes lies awake at night thinking about how much it sucks that Sasuke’s straight and not interested, that’s his business.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Yamanaka Ino, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 59
Kudos: 203
Collections: Extraordinary SNS Fics💕





	1. Chapter One

"Hey! Jerk! When I declined your call for the fifth time did it cross your mind that maybe I was doing something important?”

“Maa, I knew you’d pick up eventually.”

Naruto crossed his arms and glared. His adoptive father, currently sprawled on the grass with one ankle propped up on the bleachers, waved. His t-shirt had a prominent grass stain, and the ankle was mummified in ice and Saran Wrap. Naruto walked over and lightly kicked it.

“Ow.” Kakashi winced dramatically.

"What did you even do?"

"Blame your roommate." Kakashi gestured over at the field, where a handful of athletes were kicking a soccer ball back and forth.

"If Sasuke finally snapped I blame your shitty coaching."

Kakashi pouted, grabbing his calf and flipping around. "I'm a great coach. Everyone says so, I have it in writing."

"That’s not what a CPR certification says.”

"Will you at least give your old man a hand up? In exchange for the years l spent raising you?"

"You didn't raise me, Dad did.” Still, he leaned down and grabbed Kakashi around the waist, hefting him up. "Speaking of, he's gonna be pissed when he finds out you got yourself injured again.”

"I'm very aware of that."

“I'm pretty sure the couch is the best place to sleep with a busted ankle anyway. Makes it much easier to elevate!"

"Ouch," Kakashi winced. "Is your spare room still free?"

Naruto rolled his eyes and started walking towards the parking lot. "We don't have a spare room.”

"Oh, that's right," Kakashi said breezily. “Someone is still in denial about his feelings.”

Naruto jabbed him in the side. "I'll leave you here, jerk-head."

"Maybe if you two got your act together,”

"I can’t hear you!" Naruto yelled.

"Fine, fine. Ignore my years of wisdom."

"I would if you had any."

Kakashi looked up at the sky, forlorn expression visible through his mask. "Someday I'll get respect."

"Nope!"

With a few more slow steps, they reached the car. Naruto held his hand out for the keys and dumped Kakashi by the passenger door.

"You won't even help me get in?" Kakashi complained.

"Of course not."

"So cruel."

Naruto started the car, then adjusted his seat and fiddled with the AC while Kakashi maneuvered his ankle into place. He left the radio alone, for now. It was set to NPR, which was Dad's doing. Kakashi grumbled away, but it blended in with the background noise as he switched into reverse.

"Ankle," Naruto warned as they crossed a speed bump.

"Ow."

They made their way off of campus in contented silence. Naruto didn't really mind driving Kakashi around. It was funnier when he was stoned or drunk and would alternate between telling embarrassing stories about his former teammates and singing along (poorly) to tacky pop songs.

"Do you have any dinner plans?" Kakashi asked when they were about five minutes into the drive.

"Nothing in particular. What are you making?"

"We'll probably order takeout."

"Ramen?"

"Sure, as a thank you gift."

Naruto snorted. "You mean as a bribe?"

"Maybe so."

"I can't stay the night, though. I have a project meeting early tomorrow."

"Hmmm. What class?"

"Voting and elections, it's the one with the new guy." Naruto absently drummed his fingers across the steering wheel. "He's super into group projects, which is pretty cool."

Kakashi slowly shook his head. "I still can't believe my only son loves group work.”

"Just because some of us—oh, ankle—actually like people,”

“I like people," Kakashi interrupted.

"You like, like, four people. And two of them are related to you."

"That's not the point. Group work is evil."

"Dude, did you even go to college?"

There was pointed silence from the passenger side. Naruto rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, sorry.”

Kakashi grunted and pulled out a book.

His parent's house was in a gated neighborhood, which still made Naruto feel weird after almost eight years. The house itself was modest compared to their neighbors, which Naruto now knew was the only reason lruka had agreed to move in in the first place. As they approached, Naruto noticed lights on in the kitchen and lruka's car in the driveway.

"Oh, good, he's already home," Kakashi said.

"Great! He can help you get out.” Naruto put the car into park and jumped out. He sprinted up to the porch in an attempt to avoid Kakashi’s grumbling.

“Welcome home!” Iruka called as he opened the door.

“Hi Dad!” Naruto yelled back.

“Oh!” Iruka stuck his head out of the living room. “Hey, Naruto. Where’s Kakashi?”

“The invalid is still sitting in the car.”

There was a loud sigh. “Oh dear.”

Naruto wandered into the kitchen, and Iruka gave him a quick hug as he headed out the door. “It’s just his ankle, and the trainer wasn’t even there, so you don’t need to baby him.”

“That’s not going to be a problem.” Iruka slid on old sneakers and headed out.

Naruto opened the fridge and started absently going through it, keeping an ear out. He heard Iruka’s voice seconds later, and the tone raised hairs on the back of his neck. Iruka’s scolding prowess was legendary.

“…and at some point you’re going to remember that there’s a reason you’ve been a coach for the last twelve years. Is there not enough excitement for you these days? Do you need another dog? Or will you continue to throw your barely-functional joints into contact sports until you can’t walk anymore? Is that what you want?”

Kakashi stared pleadingly over at Naruto and mouthed ‘help me’

“You’re wearing a mask, Kakashi, what was that?” Naruto sniggered.

“Iruka, baby—ow. Let me buy you ramen to make up for it.”

“Hmmph.”

“Ichiraku ramen,” Kakashi offered. “An extra-large bowl, just for you.”

“Naruto, can you grab a new ice pack?” Iruka asked, shoving Kakashi into the living room.

“Sure, Dad.”

Iruka unceremoniously dropped Kakashi onto the couch. He ignored the pained whine and swiftly cut off the ankle wrap, holding his hand out for the new ice pack.

“I grabbed a towel too,” Naruto said, handing both over.

“Thank you. I’m glad someone in this house has critical thinking skills.”

“Ouch.”

Iruka positioned the ankle with quick but careful movements, making sure the ice pack was properly insulated. Once it was done he stood back and turned to Naruto.

“Who was it this time?”

“Sasuke, apparently.” Naruto answered.

“Well, at least he knows the rules. He’s coming to get you, right?”

“Maybe.” Naruto shrugged. “I haven’t asked, I might need a ride back if he’s busy.”

“Hmm. Text him now, and we’ll order as soon as he gets back to you.” Iruka patted Kakashi on the head and walked over to the armchair where his book and tea were waiting.

Naruto nodded and sat on the other end of the couch, slouching back as he sent the text.

injury rules. r u coming over? ordering ramen soon

I have a paper due Friday

:(((((((

dad will b sad

kakashi will pay for ur food

also i need a ride back 2 the house

fine. I can head over in twenty

Tyyyyyyy

what do u want?

also u need to pick it up since u did slide tackle an old man

He deserved it.

And the usual

ok see u soon

“He’ll be here in thirty minutes, we should order now.”

“Excellent. Husband, I’m texting you my order. You can call.”

“Iruka, I’m injured.”

Iruka didn’t look up from his phone. “And?”

“I want the miso special, and Sasuke wants his usual.”

“I don’t have your friend’s ramen order memorized, Naruto.”

Naruto huffed. “Whatever. I’ll text it to you.”

“You’re welcome.” Naruto started swiftly texting as Kakashi pulled out his phone.

Was it normal to have your friend’s ramen order memorized? It wasn’t normal if your dad knew it, even if said friend did eat dinner with the family about once a month these days. It was normal. Besides, it was ramen. He knew everyone’s ramen orders because Ichiraku was the best.

“Hello, Miss Ayame. Yes, we’re good. How are you and Teuchi? I will, Naruto says hello. Mhmm. So we’d like two miso specials, one shabu beef, and one Chasu special. Thank you. Sasuke will pick it up. You too.”

Kakashi put down the phone and looked pleadingly over at Iruka. “Am I forgiven?”

“Almost.” Iruka smiled softly. “When the ramen gets here and Sasuke explains himself you’ll be clear.”

“He doesn’t need to explain himself, he’s full of angst.” Kakashi leaned back, closing his eyes.

Iruka clicked his tongue. “I still don’t agree with your theory that he sees you as a stand-in for Naruto. If anything, he sees you as his father.”

“I’m literally right here,” Naruto complained.

“Naruto, you really should talk to him,” Iruka said.

“We talk all the time. He’s doesn’t hate me anymore, we sorted that out last year.”

“That’s…” Iruka sighed. “Well. There’s only so much we can do.”

Naruto looked pointedly away from his parents. They were dumb anyway and didn’t know what they were talking about.

“The United game is starting soon,” Kakashi commented.

“I’ll get the remote.” Naruto scrambled over and flipped the TV on.

“Channel twelve, I think.”

“Mhmm. Who are they playing?”

“Seattle.”

“Should be interesting, at least.”

Kakashi tilted his head, gazing past the screen. “Maybe. Genma has been having a bad month, and if your goalie is struggling then the whole team crumbles. Their backup isn’t anything special, so they’ll likely end up with a 4-2-2 and our forwards will get muddied down in the defense. But who knows.”

Naruto nodded. Watching soccer with Kakashi was the only time he really regretted stepping away from the sport. He knew his schoolwork was more important, and he loved his intramural team, but he still quietly longed for the high-level competition.

Kakashi mocked the commentators through most of the pre-game analysis. Iruka threw a pillow at him after a particularly pointed barb, which led to a long minute of whining.

“I long for the days when I thought you were the strong, silent type,” Iruka opined. “You were so calm when we first met. So poised.”

“Love changed me,” Kakashi shot back. “You transformed my life.”

“Hey,” Naruto interrupted. “Stop being gross. Some of us are trying to watch this.”

Kakashi blew a kiss but managed to shut up. A few quiet minutes sped by, and soon there was a knock on the door.

Iruka stood. “That must be Sasuke. Naruto, come help with the food.”

Naruto bolted towards the door, socks sliding on the kitchen tile.

“Careful!” Iruka yelled.

“Sasuke!” Naruto threw the door open. “Ramen!!”

Sasuke silently held out a large paper bag. He was wearing joggers and a long-sleeved black shirt, and patches of his hair were still damp. It was a definite improvement. For the first few months, he’d shown up for every dinner in a blazer.

“Sasuke, it’s so good to see you,” Iruka pulled the bag out of Naruto’s hands. “Ignore my son, please come in.”

“Thanks, Mr. Umino.”

“Every time.” Iruka chuckled, heading towards the kitchen. “It’s still Iruka.”

Sasuke kicked off his shoes and shrugged. “Sorry, Mr. Iruka.”

“That’s weird,” Naruto said.

“Where’s coach?” Sasuke asked, turning away from the conversation.

“Hello, Sasuke. Are you here to take out my other ankle?” Kakashi called.

Naruto gestured towards the living room. Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets and crossed through the doorway. Naruto jogged back into the kitchen.

“Hello,” he cooed at the ramen. “I’ve missed you, handsome.”

“Bring these out to the living room first,” Iruka instructed, handing Naruto another bowl and a handful of chopsticks.

“Mhmm!”

The teams were about to kick off. Sasuke was sitting in Naruto’s chair and wasn’t even a little bit apologetic.

“Move over,” Iruka ordered Kakashi, handing him ramen and lightly kissing his cheek. Naruto mimed vomiting.

“You should be happy that your parents still love each other,” Kakashi said.

Naruto rolled his eyes, content to ignore them in favor of his dinner.

The world narrowed to miso broth and noodles for the next ten minutes. After slurping down the last dregs, Naruto sighed happily and started paying attention to the game. Kakashi had been right: Seattle was doubling down on their defense, and the D.C. players struggled to break through. Kakashi’s commentary had died down, replaced by occasional flurries of texting. Naruto would bet his left kidney they were all to Guy, the current head coach.

“Finally,” Sasuke grumbled when they scored. “It’s embarrassing that that took forty minutes.”

“And you could do better?”

“Obviously,” Sasuke shrugged. “There was an opening during the first quarter. If Ebisu hadn’t screwed up the throw-in, they could have easily broken through. Kotetsu was wide open.”

Kakashi nodded. “Good catch.”

“Their goalie also sucks.” Sasuke frowned. “Even Naruto plays better.”

“Hey!” Naruto sat up. “Oh, wait. Was that a compliment?”

“Obviously, moron.”

“Yeah!”

Kakashi shushed them. Play resumed, and it looked like United were encouraged by their goal. However, the Sounders’ defense was still strong. The half break sped by with snark from Sasuke and Kakashi while Iruka made tea and called insults from the kitchen. By the seventy-minute mark, Naruto had fallen deep into his seat. It was still 1-0, and there was a tight frown on Kakashi’s face.

“I’m glad that’s over,” Sasuke muttered after the final whistle.

“It wasn’t an ideal outcome.” Kakashi sighed. “I’m sure they’ll be running suicides for the next week to make up for it.”

Naruto winced in sympathy. Might Guy’s training was brutal.

Iruka stood. “Naruto, Sasuke. Do you need anything for the house? I bought too many bananas at the store last week, we’d appreciate it if you could take them.”

“Sakura will always eat them. Thanks dad!” Naruto hopped up and stretched.

Sasuke coughed. “Thanks, Mr. Um—Iruka. We’re fine otherwise. Thank you for the dinner.”

“We’re glad you could make it.” Iruka smiled.

Naruto crossed the room and pulled his Dad into a hug. “Okay, we’re gonna go. Love you.”

“Love you too, kid.” Kakashi held out a fist, and Naruto tapped it.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye!”

“Goodbye.” Sasuke waved and headed out.

Naruto ran into the kitchen, grabbed the bananas, and followed. Sasuke’s car was an old but immaculate SUV. The trunk was full of neatly stacked gear, as per usual, and there was a lingering scent of ramen.

“How was class?” Naruto asked as he climbed in. “Which paper is due, by the way?”

“Developmental,” Sasuke said, starting the car. “We’ve just hit pre-school. I should use you as a case study.”

“Jerk. My classes were good since you didn’t ask. I have that group project for Jiraiya coming up soon, and my group is meeting tomorrow.”

“Tch.”

It was nice to have a best friend, Naruto thought as he absently chattered on about the project. Especially one as cool as Sasuke. What a pity he was straight, because really, he’d be the perfect boyfriend.

~~~

Naruto had moved into his current house at the beginning of their sophomore year. Sasuke and Sai moved with him, and Sakura had rounded out the group. Kiba, who’d been their roommate freshman year, moved into the frat house. Naruto had rushed with him but decided against moving into the house. It’d mostly been because of the cost, but there was always a voice in the back of his head that whispered ‘unwelcome’. Which was bullshit. His bros were all allies. There were at least two other gay brothers, and one of them was even on the e-board. It was the most progressive frat on campus, which was likely why he’d gotten a bid from them. Still: he worried.

And honestly, their place was much nicer than the frat house. Sai was a neat freak and Sakura crafted when she was stressed, so the overall aesthetic was a little bit like a retirement home, but the open floor plan was great for parties. Naruto also loved his roommates. They were his bros as much as his frat brothers, and they’d made a pact to keep living together until they all graduated. Sasuke was Naruto’s best friend for life, but Sakura and Sai were family too. In true family style, there were some weird things they’d learned about each other within the first few weeks of living together. For example: Sai had never said fuck before.

Naruto was surprised because he was surprised about everything. Sakura wasn't surprised, because she’d listened when Sai talked about his weird upbringing. There had been some kind of cult involved? Naruto didn't remember exactly, but there had been lots of trauma.

The whole not-saying-fuck-thing wasn't a sustainable situation. First of all, Sakura swore like a sailor. Second of all, Sai was kind of an asshole, and assholes who said "fiddlesticks” instead of fuck were never taken seriously. So, they all decided to make Sai say fuck. Their attempts hadn't been successful so far. Their friend was remarkably composed, and it was difficult to force him into situations where he lost his cool. Furthermore, he was content with his old-man curse vocabulary.

"The ladies all like it when you swear, ya know," Naruto said one afternoon while they were studying.

"You are gay." Sai didn't look up from his book.

“You’re a jerk!”

“That was a statement of fact, not an insult. As you well know, I am also homosexual.”

"That’s...yeah, okay, fine. But still!” Naruto sat up, grinning. “Guys like swearing. Guys like swearing even more than girls! If you want to seduce that one hot senior, you really need to say fuck!”

Sai paused to consider the statement. "You may make a point; I have noticed that men bond through vulgar traditions. Swearing seems to be one of them.”

"Then it's settled!” Naruto snapped his book closed. "When are we gonna do it?"

“I don't particularly care.”

"We need to record it, for everybody, obviously. And maybe make a cake?”

“No.” They made eye contact for the first time; Sai was blank-faced but clearly displeased. “No cake.”

Naruto cackled. “Dude you know that there’s absolutely going to be cake now, right? Like it’s gonna be huge and maybe pink and we’re gonna shove your face in it.”

Sai scowled, standing to loom over Naruto. “If there is a cake, you will be the one with icing in your eyes. And my fist down your throat.”

“Geez, okay dude, no cake, calm down. And sit down, you’re scaring the hoes.”

“I am only scaring you," Sai muttered.

"Yeah, you actually are.” Naruto frowned. "I don't like how tall you are, bro."

"That is your problem," Sai said, primly sitting and picking up a book.

"Tell me a day, we'll do a thing. No cake, but maybe some banners. I'll have the bros come over, they'll definitely get a kick out of this.”

"No thank you! Is there not a party this weekend?”

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, it's for some football thing. The spring game, I think.”

"You should know more about football." Sai shook his head.

"Literally all of the bros know so much, I don't need to know anything, they'll just tell me. I tell them soccer stuff, so it's fair.”

"Hmm."

"So, we're on for Friday?"

"Yes. No cake."

"Fuck cake." Naruto grinned.

Sai shrugged. "I suppose."

“Okay! Sweet! I'll see you at home!" Naruto grabbed his books and loose papers, shoved them into his backpack, and headed out.

As soon as he passed through the library doors, he pulled out his phone and started frantically texting Sakura.

where's the best place 2 bake a cake so sai can't see

Do I want to know?

yes, hes finally gonna say fuck

Fucking finally.

and he really really really doesnt want a cake

Shouldn't we be rewarding him for good behavior?

no hes a dick

Fair. I think the best place is Ino’s apartment, she has a decent amount of baking supplies.

ugh will u 2 be boring and kiss and stuff

Yes. I'll even smear flour on her cheek on purpose so I can kiss it off.

ew

I'll draw a little heart in the sugar and say, “it's because you're so sweet".

i think even ino would say thats 2 much

Maybe. Maybe not.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh u suck

Do you want my help or not?

yes pls sorry

Find a recipe. We can go to the store tomorrow, right after class.

tyyyyyyyyyy

Two hours later, he was sitting in the living room scrolling through chocolate cake recipes on his computer. The front door opened, and a mess of dark hair popped up in his peripheral vision.

“Heyyyyyy welcome home!” He hurriedly closed his laptop.

“Hn.” Sasuke dropped his keys in the key bowl and walked over to the kitchen.

“How was practice?”

Sasuke shrugged, pulling a water bottle from the fridge and chugging it. Naruto drummed his fingers on the top of his laptop, debating whether it was safe to open or not.

"What are you hiding?" Sasuke’s voice was right next to his ear.

"Augh! Nothing!" Naruto turned and frowned. "Stop sneaking up behind me, you know I hate that."

Sasuke raised a single eyebrow.

"It's really nothing, you just need to promise not to tell Sai."

"I would never.”

"Awesome!" Naruto opened the computer and held it up for Sasuke to see.

"A cake?"

"He's going to say fuck!"

"Finally." He walked around the couch and sat down next to Naruto. Their arms brushed as he leaned in, peering at the recipe.

Naruto noticed it a normal amount, a normal friend amount. "Uh, yeah. At the party this Friday.”

"Why a cake?"

"Because he really doesn't want one."

Sasuke sat back. "Do you think he really doesn't want one, or is he using reverse psychology to trick you into making a cake for no reason?"

"His first time saying fuck is a big occasion! We need to get it on video so that we can play it at his wedding. Or graduation.”

"Tch.”

They sat in silence, reading the recipe.

"Are you sure you'll be able to—”

"Yes! It'll be fine. Sakura and Ino will be there." Naruto wasn't sure if he was reassuring himself or Sasuke. "It'll be fine."

"If you say so.”

"You can come!"

"Why would I want to come?"

Naruto turned, putting on his best puppy-dog eyes. "Because you want to protect me from the flood of PDA?"

"I don't like cake."

"You don't need to eat any! You can help with the mixing and stuff, it'll be a good upper body workout."

Sasuke snorted. "No, it won't."

"Pleeeeeeeeease?”

"Ugh. Fine. Or, actually, what time are you going to make it?"

"Um. I don't really know, we were thinking Friday afternoon? Like right after class."

Sasuke pulled out his phone and frowned. “I'm free from two to four."

"That's perfect!" Naruto grinned, pulling out his own phone. "I'll check with Sakura, but that should be fine.”

Sasuke didn’t reply, busy typing away.

"Are you—" Naruto peered over at Sasuke's phone. “Dude, are you making a calendar event?"

His typing paused. "No."

"Dude that's so funny oh my god. Like, I know that you have a scheduling problem but that's fucking hilarious.”

"Shut up." Sasuke punched Naruto in the shoulder, ears pink.

Naruto sat back, still snickering. “Jerk.”

“Moron.”

~~~

The rest of the week passed in the blink of an eye. At approximately one forty-five on Friday afternoon, Sakura was lounging at the counter, explaining the plot of a play she’d just finished reading. It was called the Chocolate Pudding Incident, which Naruto thought was the best title for any play he’d ever heard before.

“So then,” Sakura continued, “Ted Kennedy gets off scot-free! With literally no consequences. Ugh, it was so frustrating.”

“Fuck Ted Kennedy!”

“Yeah, fuck him! And well, technically, there were a few consequences. He got a slap on the wrist from the DMV, and apparently, the whole incident influenced his decision to not run for president. It was really well written, though.”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh.” Naruto nodded, crossing his arms and leaning forward. “So what does this have to do with chocolate pudding?”

Sakura blinked. “Chocolate…pudding?”

“Yeah! You said it was the chocolate pudding incident? Was there like, chocolate pudding in the car or something?”

She straightened up and carefully rolled up her sleeves. “Say that one more time.”

Sasuke walked while Sakura still had Naruto in a headlock, shaking him for emphasis as she yelled “Chap! Pa! Quid! Dick! In! Ci! Dent!”

“Ow! Ow ow ow I’m sorry! I get it! Not Chocolate Pudding!”

She dropped the headlock and Naruto fell to the floor, groaning.

“Tch,” Sasuke said. “Everyone knows about the Chappaquiddick Incident, dead last.”

“I’m hungry, it’s distracting,” Naruto moaned, looking up at Sasuke’s knees. They were nice knees.

“We should get going if we’re going to have time to make the cake,” Sakura said, briskly brushing off her shirt.

“Okay. You’re driving.”

“What.”

“We’re going to see your girlfriend,” Naruto pointed out as he climbed up off the floor, wincing. 

“We’re going to make a cake for your weird scheme,” Sakura said, grabbing her keys and heading out to the garage.

“It’s not weird! Sasuke, tell her it’s not weird.”

“It’s weird.”

Naruto pouted, “You’ll regret that when we have the video.”

“I somehow doubt it.”

Sakura started the car and turned on the spa channel. “We’re not fighting when we still have three hours of cake to bake.”

“Okay, mom.”

She flipped them off.

They made it to the store unscathed and took a moment to crowd around Naruto’s phone.

“I’m pretty sure Ino has enough sugar, but we might need to get more flour,” Sakura said. “We definitely need extra dark chocolate, since Sasuke will eat half of it.”

"Fair payment." Sasuke shrugged.

"You should pick it out," Sakura instructed. "I'll focus on the ingredients, and Naruto, you go look at frosting and decorations."

"Alright!" Naruto shoved his hand out the center of the cart and gestured for the others to do the same. Sakura complied with sparse enthusiasm, and Sasuke had to be nudged before begrudgingly joining.

"Believe it on three!" Naruto called. "And one...two...three!”

“Fuck no!"

“ _Believe it!_ ”

“l hate this."

Naruto frowned. "That wasn't very believe it of you, team."

Sakura patted him on the head. "We'll get it next time."

Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets and wandered away, muttering under his breath.

"Sasuke!” Naruto yelled. "Wait up! The frosting is that way too!"

He bounced over, grinning. Sasuke promptly ignored him and wandered into the coffee aisle.

"I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be getting chocolate, jerk." Naruto jabbed him in the side.

Sasuke sent a swift kick to his shins in retaliation. "Coffee makes chocolate cake better, moron."

"Wait, really? How?"

"I dunno. Something about the acid or something."

“That doesn't sound right.” Naruto frowned.

"It just works, I don't know why," Sasuke snapped.

"Geez, okay."

"Aren't you supposed to be getting frosting?"

"Yeah," Naruto shrugged. "But both of our stuff is easy, so we should do it together. Obviously."

"Obviously."

"Oooh, look!” Naruto ran over to the hot cocoa section.

"This is the wrong kind of chocolate.”

"I know that, duh. But there's new spring stuff, for Easter!"

Sasuke picked up one of the bright green boxes. "It doesn't look like the flavor is different at all.”

He put the cocoa box firmly back on the shelf and headed towards the chocolate. Naruto tagged along, absently keeping up a running commentary about his plans for the cake. It was going to be an awesome cake, with lots of decorations. And it was going to be obnoxiously delicious.

“Shush. I need to concentrate.”

“To pick out a bar of dark chocolate?” Naruto asked skeptically.

Sasuke glared.

“Geez, okay.”

Naruto stared at Sasuke while Sasuke stared intently at the chocolate selection. He leaned into the shelf, picking up a few bars and carefully comparing them. Finally, after a long, thoughtful pause, he picked up four bars and slid them into his pockets.

“Are you sure these are the right ones?” Naruto mocked. “Are you sure you don’t need to spend another twenty minutes considering it?”

“Shut up, moron. Let’s look at the frosting.”

There was lots of frosting. There was a six-foot square full of nothing but different frosting options. Naruto had the sinking realization that he might take just as long choosing the right kind of frosting as Sasuke had choosing the chocolate.

“So, you’re getting a chocolate frosting and a decorating color, right?” Sasuke said.

“Um.” Naruto frowned. “Yeah, actually. Maybe two decorating colors? One for the text and one for the other stuff. Like edges. Maybe some flowers.”

“Tch. It’s going to be ridiculous.”

Naruto picked a chocolate frosting at random. It looked good. That done, he walked over to the decorating frosting and started flicking through the colors. He held two out for Sasuke to consider.

“How about pink and green?”

Sasuke picked them up and considered them. “No. How about blue and orange?”

“Isn’t that too cheesy? School colors?”

“Maybe. Purple and yellow is less cliche.”

“Oooh, I like that. But what does Sai like?”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Sai likes black and grey.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way. Maybe we need to think about what he hates.”

Naruto perked up. “Oooh! He hates orange. And frogs, and when I’m loud.”

“So. Orange and neon yellow?” Sasuke held up the two colors.

“Perfect!”

Frosting in hand, they started searching for Sakura.

“Sakura!!” Naruto yelled as they approached the refrigerator section.

“You’re the most annoying person in this Target,” Sasuke hissed.

“Sakuraaaaaa!”

“What do you want?” A voice called out from vaguely left.

Naruto turned to Sasuke, grinning. “But also, the most effective. Let’s go!”

The cart was already full of flour, eggs, and two kinds of sugar. They dumped in their comparatively meager haul, and Sakura grabbed a few items for herself.

Naruto paid for everything (of course). Totally worth it, though.

~~~

“Yooooooooooo! Sai! My bro!” Naruto grabbed Sai around the shoulders, balancing on tip-toes.

“Hello, Naruto.”

“Welcome to the party! Have a drink!”

“I will.” Sai let Naruto drag him to the drinks table.

“What’ll it be?” Choji was tending bar, which realistically meant mixing vodka with different sodas.

“Jack and Coke, please,” Sai requested.

“Comin’ right up!”

Sakura bounced over and gently punched Sai in greeting. “Hey! What time are you gonna do it?”

Sai pursed his lips. “I do not know. Sometime after I am intoxicated.”

“Okay!” Sakura giggled. “It’s gonna be so fun! Bye!”

She skipped back across the living room and leaned onto Ino’s shoulder, smacking a kiss on her cheek. Ino blushed and twirled her around. Gazing over, Naruto sighed.

“Did you not ‘get over’ Sakura years ago?” Sai asked.

“Yes!” Naruto jumped. “Warn a guy. And uh, yeah. It’s just. They really love each other.”

“Ah,” Sai nodded. “You are envious. You desire such a relationship.”

“Chug your drink, robot boy,” Naruto muttered.

Sai took an obedient drink. “Will Sasuke be attending?”

“I think so. I invited him, but he doesn’t really like frat parties.”

“He has been the least invested in my new vocabulary.”

Naruto chugged the rest of his own drink. “Uh-huh. But he still cares! And he, uh, sometimes cares about football so he might show up.”

“He does not,” Sai said decisively. “I would like another drink.”

“You go for it. I’m headed,” Naruto gestured towards the living room as he trailed off.

Sai nodded, already holding his cup out for a refill.

Naruto shoved himself onto the couch in between Rock Lee and Kiba. They were playing Smash Bros, and Lee was losing, enthusiastically.

“Naruto!” He yelled, not looking away from the controllers. “I am smashing with the power of youth!”

“Maybe don’t phrase it quite like that, buddy,” Kiba said. “Hey, Naruto. Wanna play next?”

“Sure.” He leaned back, avoiding Lee’s flying elbows. “Have you guys seen Sasuke?”

“I didn’t think he was coming,” Kiba replied.

“I saw him at training this morning, and in class early this afternoon, but I have not seen him since!”

“Thanks, Lee. Do you think he’s gonna come?”

Kiba shrugged. “I don’t know, man. You’re the only one who can get him to go out, so if you didn’t drag him it’s a crapshoot.”

“He comes out without me! Sometimes!”

“I suggest texting him!” Lee added. “That way you can know his intentions!”

“Nah, I think I’m good. Gimme the controller, Lee, that was embarrassing.”

“I must admit defeat! Well played, Kiba!”

“Loser gets drinks.” Kiba held up his empty cup. Lee stood and took it with a bright grin. He bustled off to the drinks table, and Naruto turned his attention to the game.

Four drinks and a…number of games later, he was laying on the ground with his head in Shikamaru’s lap while they lackadaisically beat everyone at Mario Party. Lee and Neji were loudly arm wrestling on the coffee table, and Ino was painting Hinata’s nails.

There was a loud knock on the front door. Naruto sat bolt upright. “Is it Sasuke?”

“Go check,” Shikamaru drawled.

“Okay!” Naruto clambered to his feet and stood for a moment, swaying. He was…hmm. More drunk than he’d thought. Had he eaten today? Not really, besides stolen cake batter. That wasn’t ideal. But whatever! Sasuke might be here!

“Cooooming,” he yelled at the door, carefully picking his way through the crowd. He threw it open and peered out into the darkness.

“Hi, moron.” Sasuke shoved a 6-pack into Naruto’s chest.

“Sasuke!”

“Yep. Let me in.”

Naruto took the six pack with one hand and threw the other around Sasuke in a three-quarters hug. “I’m so glad to see you! We thought you wouldn’t come?”

“Okay, you’re completely pissed.” Sasuke physically pushed him into the house. Naruto stumbled a little, dragging them even further backward.

“No! I’m super sober, believe it!”

Sasuke loudly rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

“Come play video games!”

“Is that all you’ve been doing? You’re in the nerdiest frat on campus.”

“Hey,” Naruto protested. “There were keg stands earlier! And there’s…beer pong somewhere. You weren’t here so Neji beat everyone, though.”

Sasuke took the beer back and started walking towards the living room. “I’m so sorry I missed it.”

“You should be, it was great.”

“Has Sai said fuck yet?” Sasuke asked.

“Nah.” Naruto shook his head and looked around. Oh! They were at the sofa. Excellent. He pushed Sasuke down and sat half-next to and half-on-top of him.

“Move, dead last.” Sasuke shoved him off.

“Hey. Sasuke, who won the Madden tournament last year?” Kiba asked.

“I don’t care,” Sasuke opened a beer. “Probably Shikamaru.”

Sai leaned in from the porch. “Is Sasuke here?”

“Yeah.”

“Excellent.” He stepped in and cupped his hands around his mouth, clearly preparing to yell. 

“Oh shit!”

“Everyone!” Sai announced. “I’m ready to say it!”

A cheer sounded from all corners of the house. Naruto threw himself up from the couch and sprinted into the kitchen, whooping.

~~~

The next morning, he watched the video. He saw Sai step into the kitchen, and the camera zoomed in on his small, wobbly smile. He saw said smile abruptly drop. The camera zoomed out as Sai paced across the kitchen when a wildly laughing Naruto Uzumaki appeared in the frame.

There was a clearly audible ‘Fuck you.’ 

The camera shook as the videographer cheered, but he could still see Sai calmly grab the back of his head and slam it down into the cake. Naruto winced as he saw himself fall forward, cake splattering everywhere. Sakura screamed Sasuke jumped over…was that Kiba? And the video cut out.

“Totally worth it.” Naruto sighed contentedly and picked a piece of frosting out of his hair.

~~~

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands_

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands_

_Would you get them if I did?_

Naruto knocked quietly on the door.

"Hey," he called. "Um. Are you okay, Sasuke?"

The music paused.

“Because, no judgment,” Naruto continued. “But it is 8 am and everybody can hear the John Mayer.”

There was a quiet thumping noise, then footsteps. Sasuke opened the door a crack and stuck his head out.

"What?" he snapped.

“Uh, the music? Could you not hear me?"

"I'm fine," Sasuke said, glaring at Naruto's shoulder.

Naruto frantically ran through his mental list of ‘days that made Sasuke sad, grumpy, angry, or extra-quiet’. There weren't any soon. “Uh. Are you...hungry?”

“No.”

"Do you want me to get you coffee?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You're making it worse, moron. Go away."

"Hey!"

Sasuke slammed the door.

Naruto started knocking again. "What would Dr. Tsunade say about this? You're isolating again! Sasuke!”

There was no response. Naruto sighed. The music resumed, even louder now.

“Taylor Swift is better! " He yelled, retreating.

_But you won't,_

_Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here she is!!! happy 2021, let's get this bread  
> some fun behind the scenes notes: the fuck cake scene was what kicked off this whole shebang, and the chocolate pudding incident is an almost verbatim conversation I had with my roomate's gf which is potentially the most naruto moment in my life so far.


	2. Chapter Two

Naruto and Sasuke were practicing throw-ins. Which was a perfectly normal thing for two soccer players to do. So what if they were in their front yard and it was eleven pm. It was finals week.

To be completely honest, they both kinda sucked. Naruto had a pretty decent excuse, since he was a goalie and also hadn't played at a competitive level in over a year. Sasuke was too good at scoring to need to do throw-ins. Or at least, that's what he claimed. In Naruto’s opinion he had noodle arms and no aim, but nobody really listened to that kind of reasoning.

"D'you ever think about how we got here?" Naruto asked.

"Here existentially or here physically?"

"I dunno. Either."

Sasuke dropped the ball and started lazily juggling. "Not really. I try not to think about the past anymore.”

“I was just thinking that like. It's crazy that we're here, in this house, together again after ten years. What are the odds, you know."

"Tch."

“What if there's a reason we met up again?" Naruto mused. "What if we need to save the world? Or a dog? Or rescue a dog who saves the world?"

Sasuke was silent for a long moment. "I'd rather rescue a cat."

"That's probably more likely." Naruto shrugged.

"We can name it Rice Ball."

"That's weird."

"Fuck you, it's my cat."

“Okay, jerk."

They gave up on the throw-ins and kicked the ball back and forth. The receptive motion was soothing. Naruto forgot about the three papers, two exams, and assorted busywork he should have been working on right now.

"If I get hit by a bus do you think I'll automatically pass my finals?”

“Noooooooo?” Naruto frowned. "No."

"Not even if it's a university bus?"

"Still no?"

Sasuke sighed. "I don't know why I bothered asking."

“NARUTO!” Sakura screamed from inside the house. Sasuke looked over and raised an eyebrow.

Naruto shrugged. “I don't thin—"

“Get inside here, NOW!” She shoved her head out of the garage door. “Oh, Sasuke! You should come too.”

“May as well.” Sasuke kicked the ball back into the garage and slouched towards the door. Sakura, when she came into view, was a sight to behold. Her hair was mussed, she had pencil smudges on her fingers and face, and there was a stray sticky note on her shirt. She grabbed Naruto by the wrist, grinning wildly, and towed him towards the kitchen.

“I saw the most amazing video,” she explained.

“Are you, uh, OK?”

“I'm great. So great. Are you ready for some science?”

Naruto turned to Sasuke, pleading. “I think so? Sakura, I have a lot of work to do and I'm sure you do too.”

“I don't have anything until Thursday, I'm fine.” She flipped a hand dismissively and shoved Naruto the final few feet into the kitchen.

Once he was situated next to the stove, she pulled out her phone and held up a video. It was pretty low quality, with dim lighting and shaky filming. There was giggling in the background. Naruto leaned forward, squinting a little. There was a pot? It was full of something terrifying.

“So, um,” A man in the video said. “My roommates got drunk and decided to put every single liquid in our apartment into one pot.”

The video zoomed in on the liquid inside said pot, which was vaguely yellow and bubbling ominously. There was another giggle in the background. Then it switched to a close up of a man's face. “It's super cool’ he whispered. The expression on his face was remarkably similar to Sakura’s. The man in the video started listing off ingredients while laughing.

Sasuke took a step back. “No.”

“Yes.” Sakura held up a bottle of vodka.

“I don't want to call the Fire Department again.”

“Hey!” Naruto cried. “Not cool, dude. It was once!”

“It was once,” Sakura started, “if you agree to make soup.”

Naruto grimaced. “That's not fair, Sakura.”

She took a shot and offered him the bottle.

“Naruto,” Sasuke warned.

Naruto looked back and forth between them, distressed. On the one hand, he had so much stuff to do. On the other hand, it wasn't technically due until tomorrow. And on the third hand, Sakura was really scary right now and might commit some arson if he didn't agree to do this. He mouthed ‘sorry’ at Sasuke and grabbed the bottle to take a shot.

“Traitor,” Sasuke hissed.

“YES!” Sakura howled. “Time for some soup!”

Sai wandered out of his room. “I would like some soup.”

“Sai!!” Sakura snatched the bottle back and ran over. “Here, drink this.”

“This is not soup.”

“No, it's mango vodka.”

“Well. Alcohol and food preparation does help build friendship.”

“Yes, definitely. We're totally preparing food.” Sakura nodded.

“Excellent!”

Sai took an impressively long swig. Sasuke sighed and held his hand out, jaw set.

“You don't have to do this, Sasuke,” Naruto said.

“I know that, moron. But I’ll still be here, in this house, and it'll be much worse if I don't drink.”

“Probably true.”

Fully cackling now, Sakura passed the bottle over. They handed it around, all taking swigs. It was honestly pretty nasty. When it made its way back to Sakura for the third time, she peered into the top of the bottle and nodded.

“Okay. This is just enough for the soup.”

“Soup traditionally uses wine, not vodka,” Sai added.

“This is more soup-ish,” Naruto mused. “Soug? Soub, with the B emoji?”

“Oh, I like that. Soub.”

“This is all terrible.” Sasuke sat on the counter.

“We need to make a list of everything we add,” Sakura said, ignoring him. “Otherwise it's not science.”

“I'll grab some paper!”

“Thanks, Naruto. We also need to decide where to start. Fridge first? Or pantry? Or alcohol cupboard?”

“We should add most of the alcohol last, so it doesn't cook off.” Sasuke said.

“Will this be an edible soup?” Sai asked.

Sakura shrugged. “Probably.”

“Also, if we are following the scientific method, we should compile a preliminary literature review and form a hypothesis.”

“Thank you, Sai. You're the only one in the family taking this seriously.” She hit Naruto on the back of the head.

“Ow!”

“Here’s a hypothesis: the Soub will fuck.”

Sai nodded solemnly.

“I think it'll give at least one of you food poisoning,” Sasuke said. He had another bottle of alcohol. Naruto made grabby hands at him, and Sasuke handed it over with a put-upon sigh.

“Two hypotheses isn't bad,” Sai commented.

Sakura nodded. “I think we've done the requisite groundwork.”

She walked over to the fridge and started browsing through the offerings.

“Don't use any of my Provençale.”

“Would one drop be too much?”

“Yes.”

“I'll use it all, then.”

Sai leaned past Sakura. “I think it may be wiser to start on the top shelf.”

“Why?” Naruto asked, peering over.

“There are more substantial liquids available: stocks and milk and such. According to the joy of cooking, good soup should always start with a good stock.”

“Works for me!” She shoved Sai to the side. “Whose ramen is this?”

“I think Kiba left it here,” Naruto said. “Or Shino. We were studying and they had leftovers.”

“So it’s the collective’s ramen now.”

Naruto frowned. “Yes, but I want to eat it.”

“Reheated day-old ramen?” Sakura made a face.

“It’s still good!” Naruto protested.

“Whatever. We just need a bit of the broth to start the soup.”

“We do have actual stock,” Sasuke pointed out. “Multiple types.”

“Those will go in next.”

“Ramen, chicken stock, veggie stock, and…is that…”

“Why are you pulling out the fruit salad.”

“The juice is essentially a broth,” Sakura explained.

“I hate my life.”

“And Naruto, stop writing, your handwriting sucks.”

“My handwriting is excellent,” Sai said. “So I will take over.”

Naruto threw the paper and pen at him. “Whatever, nerd.”

Hands now free, Naruto started pulling bottles out of the fridge and handing them to Sakura. They went through the milk next, then the creamer, then the juices and drinks.

“Do you think this is going to be sweet?” Sakura asked, contemplating the brew.

“Maybe? We do have a lot of sauces and stuff. It’ll probably be spicy.”

“Hmm.”

Naruto made his way back and forth between the fridge and the stove as Sakura added in drops of varying size and texture. He stole the bottle from Sasuke and mixed it with the last of the orange juice.

“That’s rum, moron.”

Naruto took a swig. “It’s fine. Want some?”

“No.”

Naruto sloshed a bit of the drink into the Soub, for good luck. He was solidly tipsy now. Sasuke was as composed and beautiful as ever, the bastard. Two tiny spots of color on his cheekbones were the only clue that he’d taken at least four shots of liquor in the last half hour.

“Is Velveeta a liquid?” Sakura asked when they were nearing the end of the fridge.

“No.”

“Yes!”

“Why do we have Velveeta?”

“It's—the Taco night.”

“Taco night three weeks ago?” Sakura clarified.

“Yeah.”

She unwrapped the chunk of fake-cheese and threw it into the pot. “May as well.”

“If Velveeta is a liquid, is egg also a liquid?” Sai asked.

They all paused for a moment.

“No,” Sasuke said with finality.

“Yeah, it gets solid when it's cooked.”

Naruto poked the Velveeta with the spoon. The edges were melting and spreading out into the beige-ish mess.

“Do you think it'll dissolve?” He asked.

“I hope so?”

“It may become a suspension of micelles,” Sai said. “We may need to add an emulsifier.”

“Like soap?”

“Yes.”

“If we add soap, I'm changing my hypothesis to one of you will end up in the hospital.”

“Cleaning supplies and stuff are liquid,” Naruto said, leaning back on the counter next to Sasuke.

Sakura stirred the soup, staring off into the middle distance. “Sasuke is right,” she said. “Cleaning supplies could actually kill us or make us sick.”

“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!”

“Leave me alone.” Sasuke shoved Naruto off the counter. In the ensuing chaos, Sakura rummaged around in the fridge side drawer, where she promptly grabbed Sasuke’s Provençale and dumped at least half of a cup of it into the Soub.

“That may have been too much,” Sai said, scribbling away. “Provençale has a very strong flavor.”

Sasuke looked up from where he had Naruto pinned in a full nelson. “You. Fucking. What.”

Naruto took advantage of his momentary distraction and flipped their positions, twisting Sasuke’s arm behind him and using the full weight of his body to keep him pinned against the counter.

“Let me go, Uzumaki,” Sasuke growled.

“No.” Naruto tucked his chin over Sasuke’s shoulder.

“I will murder you in your sleep.”

“No you won't, you love me.”

“I'll put your toads outside. I'll dump them in the Rivanna.”

Sai tapped his pen against his lip. “Do you think there is a psychological aspect to this?”

“Oh, definitely.”

“I know they have known each other since they were children. Is this what they call the Cain instinct?” 

Sakura shook her head and added some Nutella to the pot. “I think it has something to do with them losing contact for a while. Naruto kept searching for Sasuke, apparently. I think he spent a few years in Europe, though.”

“That is very interesting.”

“I'm right here!!”

“Okay, Naruto.”

The scent of the soup was wafting through the kitchen now. It didn't smell terrible, it mostly smelled vaguely savory with hints of citrus. Naruto inhaled deeply. Sasuke’s hair tickled his nose.

“It smells kinda like a brine Dad used on our turkey one Thanksgiving. And like coconut.”

“That's my conditioner, moron.”

“Oh.”

“Now let me go!”

Sakura added in a splash of Apple cider vinegar. She had made it to the spice cupboard.

“Don't let him go, he still mad about his sauce and might sabotage the Soub.”

Sai nodded in agreement.

“Fine by me.” Naruto shrugged and rearranged the hold so he could wrap one arm around Sasuke’s waist. His conditioner smelled really good. And he was so warm. Naruto absently noticed that he was now officially completely drunk.

“Death,” Sasuke muttered. “Pain. Disembowelment.”

“Comfy.”

Sai was now writing furiously in two separate notebooks. “Fascinating,” he murmured.

“You've lived with them for a year now,” Sakura said. “Is this really new?”

“They were much more careful last year,” Sai explained. “I believe they were still establishing how to interact.”

“It had been a few years. Do you think we should add hot cocoa mix?

“It is not a liquid.”

“But if we mix it with milk it will be.”

Sai picked up the packet and considered it. “Is it appropriate to prepare a concoction in order to add it to the soup?”

“I think it is. I'm going to add it.”

“I will add water.”

“Ooooooh, I want hot cocoa,” Naruto said. “Give me the stuff you don't add.”

“You'll have to let me go if you want to drink it.

Naruto squinted. “Hmmmmm.”

He could tell that Sasuke was smirking.

“What if...I can put it on the counter and drink it from a straw. Yeah!”

“And shove my face into the counter, potentially breaking my nose.”

“Aw. Believe it,” Naruto said sadly.

“I hate you so much,” Sasuke said.

“The cocoa is ready.” Sai handed a mug to Sakura.

“Thanks. If you sit on him, you'll have a hand free to drink the cocoa,” she called to Naruto.

“Yeah!” Naruto brightened.

“If you sit on me, I'm moving out.”

Naruto paused, thinking. Sitting on Sasuke would be fun and having hot cocoa while he sat on Sasuke would be very fun, but it wouldn't be as fun as it was now. Naruto firmly didn't think about why.

“Do you promise not to mess with the Soub?”

“I'm going to dump it out,” Sasuke said, petulant.

Naruto tightened his grip. “Then I won't let you go.”

“I'll set it on fire.”

“Sasuke,” Naruto growled into his ear. “Be good.”

Sasuke was suddenly completely still.

“Sasuke?”

“Fine,” he bit out. “Whatever. Let go now.”

“You promise to be good?”

Sasuke made a quiet noise, low in his chest. Naruto could feel it more than he could hear it. “Whatever.”

“Okay.” Naruto let go and stepped back, shaking out his wrists. “Cocoa time! Sasuke, you sho—"

There was a door slam. He turned around, confused.

“I think that's the fastest I've seen him move outside of a game,” Sakura commented.

“Why did he leave? There's cocoa now!

“He seemed slightly ill,” Sai said. “And his face was very red.”

“He actually looked...” Sakura trailed off, and then her face fell in horror. “Oh my God, ew. I did not want to know that. Ew ew ew ew ew ew.”

“What ew?” Sai asked.

“But we already knew he didn't like the Soub,” Naruto said, confused.

“I'm not explaining it to you, I would probably vomit if I did.” Sakura shook her head furiously.

“I still do not understand. Does this have something to do with the Provençale?”

“No. Ugh.” She sighed. “Sai, think about what Naruto said before Sasuke left. And think about what we were talking about earlier.”

Sai started flipping through his notebook. He trailed a pen over a few lines, then paused. “Oh!”

They made eye contact and Sakura made a face.

“I still have no clue what you two are talking about,” Naruto complained.

“Sasuke will tell you when the time is right.”

“He—” Sakura stopped and glanced over at Naruto, tapping the spoon. “You know. I don't know if he knows either.”

“Surely he could not have missed the, ah, physical reaction.”

Sakura looked queasy. “Don't say that. And honestly, he probably blamed it on something else.”

“He's remarkably stupid.”

“Hey! Sasuke is so smart!”

“Not about this.” Sakura rolled her eyes.

“What is _this_?!”

“Get the alcohol out, it's time to add it.”

“You can't distract me that easily,” Naruto grumbled, walking over to the alcohol cabinet. “I'm going to figure out what you two are being so weird and mysterious about.”

“I really, really hope you do.”

“If he has not realized that he is in love with Sasuke, I doubt he will realize this.”

“I'm not in love with Sasuke,” Naruto scoffed.

“Ugh.” Sakura grabbed the bottle Naruto was holding.

“I love him. As a bro. In a bro way, because he’s straight.”

“He's—”

“More alcohol, Naruto.” She interrupted.

The soup was almost exactly like raw meat, color-wise, and the smell was pure alcohol. It was going to be sentient soon. Naruto stirred it, then scrambled back to the cabinet when Sakura held up a threatening fist.

They finished dumping in shots of the booze without any more weird cryptic stuff or physical violence.

“Should we...let it cook?” Naruto suggested.

“Maybe?” Sakura poked it. “Honestly if it cooks anymore it might turn solid.”

“Is it time to,” Naruto gulped. “Taste it?”

Sakura nodded solemnly. “We need to.”

“For science,” Sai added.

“We should wait until Sasuke gets back, right?”

“We can let him destroy it once we've tasted it.”

Naruto nodded. “I'm gonna go check on him.”

“Be. Uh. Careful? Maybe knock first.”

“Weird, dude.”

He walked over and tried the door. It was locked, which was odd. Sasuke never locked his door. He knocked quietly.

“Hey, Sasuke? Are you okay?”

The bathroom door creaked open, and the sound of footsteps neared the door. Sasuke opened it and barged past Naruto, ignoring him.

“Sasuke! Were you throwing up?”

“He’s fine, Naruto.”

Naruto ran back into the kitchen and punched Sasuke on the shoulder. He looked fine. He was still drunk, but he didn’t act like he’d been throwing up or anything.

“I’m fine, dead last.”

“Why did you run away? Sakura and Sai pretended to know why, but they were talking cryptic bullshit and I didn’t get it.”

“I don’t know what they thought,” Sasuke said, annoyed. “But I had to…a headache. That was it. I took Advil.”

“Hey!” Sakura snapped. “We need to taste this now, while the alcohol is still good.” 

“And then I’m going to destroy it.”

“Yes, Sasuke, then you get to destroy it.”

Sasuke glared at the pot. “Just fucking wait.”

“Attacking an inanimate object will not eliminate your feelings towards Nar—mmmmh.” Sakura shoved a hand over Sai’s mouth.

“Ignore, him, Sasuke, he has these weird ideas.” She smiled.

“This is the weird bullshit I was talking about!” Naruto gestured expansively at the two of them.

Sasuke blinked slowly. “He…that’s what they realized?”

“Soub!” Sakura yelled.

Sasuke grabbed the closest bottle of alcohol and took a shot.

“Do we have to like, chew it?” Naruto asked, cautiously approaching the stove.

“Yes,” Sai said.

“I think we do, it’s definitely very solid now.” Sakura poked it. It jiggled.

“I think spoons will still work best,” Sai said. “Though a fork could be effective at this point.”

“Spoons it is!” Sakura reached over and started throwing spoons. Most of them reached her intended targets.

She pulled the pot off of the heat and set it down on the counter. They all clustered around spoons at the ready.

“Do we really need to?” Naruto asked.

“Yes.” Sakura stole the bottle from Sasuke. “Shots for courage.”

“Cheers.”

Shot downed, she stuck the spoon in and pulled out a tiny clump. It drooped a little but mostly kept its shape. She shuddered and slowly stuck her tongue out to taste.

“Oh. _Oh_!”

“Is it bad?”

“No, it’s,” she took another small lick. “It mostly just tastes salty. Um. Like margarita salty? Kinda boozy, bland margarita salt.”

“No shit, bro.” Naruto took a small bite of his own. “Huh.”

Sai and Sasuke followed suit and made similar ‘less grossed out than they thought they would be’ faces.

“Maybe all of the flavors canceled each other out?” Sai suggested.

“That’s dumb.”

Sakura rolled her eyes. “You wanted it to be super gross, didn’t you.”

“Of course I did! That would have been funny!”

“Great. Can I set it on fire now?”

“Go ahead,” Sakura said graciously.

“We can watch, right?”

“Yeah.”

They all piled out to the back porch. Sasuke grabbed a bottle of vodka and the pot before following. Once outside, he dumped most of the mess into their old metal fire-pit and poured a copious amount of vodka on top. When the bottle was almost empty, he lit the stream on fire. Flames flickered and boomed out of the empty bottle, casting unearthly shadows over Sasuke’s face.

Naruto stared, entranced, and the fire spread down to the Soub mess and dark smoke started spiraling upwards. Sasuke glared down, and the shadows shifted, highlighting his cheekbones. Naruto looked away.

“Fuck the Soub,” Sasuke whispered.

~~~

Sakura was sitting upside down on the couch, absently scrolling through her phone. Summer classes had started a few weeks ago, and they were all still in town. Sakura was doing a summer research thing, Sai and Sasuke were taking classes, and Naruto was TA’ing for Jiraiya.

“What are we doing for pride?”

Naruto blinked. “What?”

“Pride, idiot. It’s in two weeks. What are we doing?”

“Oh. Hmm. We’re going to the parade, obviously.”

“I think Neji is running the school float this year.”

“Good for him!”

“Are you going to walk in it?”

Naruto paused, considering. He did want to support his bro, but. “No. Everyone already knows I’m gay, and that I’m a supportive dude.”

“Also your dads would come to take photos.”

“…also that.” Naruto rolled over with a grunt. “We could go to Southern. That would be fun!”

“Meh.” Sakura made a face. “There are always bachelorette parties there.”

“Probably not during Pride.”

“Ino doesn’t like it.”

“Okay, I see how it is.”

Sakura kicked at his arm. “Jealous much?”

“No, ugh. Your girlfriend terrifies me.”

Sakura kicked him.

“Ow!”

Grumbling, Naruto stood and limped into the kitchen. He had about an hour before he needed to head to the campus, which meant it was cup ramen time.

“Oooooh, Naruto, there’s a lesbians vs gays three-legged race, we should enter!”

Naruto started the kettle. “That sounds, like, homophobic.”

“How?”

“I dunno.” He shrugged. “What about wlw/mlm solidarity?”

“No solidarity, only hostility.”

“You’re the reason other gay people hate us.”

She snorted. “They hate us ‘cause we’re too hot and cool.”

“Maybe if I stop hanging out with you, I’ll get a boyfriend.”

“Don’t make me laugh.”

“Hey! It could happen!” Naruto could sense her withering glare.

“There’s a reason you don’t have a boyfriend, and that reason is currently,” Sakura checked her watch, “finishing a Cognitive Psych lecture, and then heading to afternoon practice.”

Naruto poured the boiling water into his ramen and rolled his eyes. “This ‘you’re in love with Sasuke’ thing is getting old.”

“Oh, I’m pretty fucking tired of it too.”

“Come on, don’t you have data stuff to do?” Naruto complained.

“My PI hasn’t emailed me back, and if I get you two to pull your heads out of your asses, I’m putting it on my CV.”

“Hmph. I hope all of the medical schools reject you.”

“Take that back right now, dipshit.” She yelled without sitting up.

Naruto stuck his tongue out and ignored her. His ramen was ready, anyway. He walked back over to the couch and sat down.

Sakura hit him, of course, but then went back to her upside-down scrolling. He put on a random YouTube video and settled back, cracking open the ramen container.

“Mmmmm.”

They sat calmly for the full ramen cup.

“We should plan something, though.”

“We’ll have to check Sasuke’s calendar. He has three apps, you know.”

Sakura pursed her lips. “He might not want to come.”

“Of course he’ll want to come!” Naruto protested. “He’s the best ally, he’s definitely gonna support us!”

“He’s gonna get support somewhere.”

Naruto scowled. “What does that even mean?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sakura stood and loudly cracked her neck.

“How do you even do that?!”

“I’m a certified bone cruncher.” Sakura wiggled her fingers at him, grinning, and Naruto scrambled backward.

“No! Stop!! Augh! Don’t crunch my bones!”

Sakura

Welcome to the Pride Group Chat!

Shikamaru

U need to add Choji & Lee

Sakura

I thought Lee was marching with Neji?

Shikamaru

Ye but he wants to b included

Sakura

Welcome to the new Pride Group Chat!

Temari

What aren’t we doing this on WhatsApp?

Shino

Mark zuckerberg is the devil.

Shikamaru

ok king

Rock Lee

Thank you fo including me!! I am excited to be able to participate in Pride with all of you!!

*for :)

Naruto

hey @lee are u coming to ramen w us after practice?

Rock Lee

Yes I am!!! Thank you for inviting me!!!

Sakura

Okay! Does everyone know where and when we’re meeting up?

Gaara

Yes.

Naruto

hi gaara!! <3 <3 <3

Shikamaru

ya

Choji

Kiba and Shino say yes

Temari

Yep.

Ino

I do, Sakura <3

Sai

I know the location and time.

Sakura

Kankuro and Sasuke?

Temari

Kankuro’s with me. He knows.

Sasuke

Yeah

Sakura

Great! Everyone needs to pick a buddy and bring lots of water.

If any of you end up in the ER or jail I’ll fucking kill you <3

Sasuke kicked Naruto in the shin. “Hey.”

Naruto flinched. “Ow!”

“Why didn’t you say hi to me in the group chat?”

“Because…I’m sitting right here?”

“Tch.” Sasuke turned away.

“Bro, don’t be like that.”

“Whatever.”

Shikamaru

what r we doing after?

and who wants edibles

Sai

I would like some.

Ino

We’re gonna get drunk and go to someone’s house, I think

Naruto

yes pls for me

and it might b our place

or the house

Choji

Neji is doing a thing at the house, everyone is invited

And the normal amount for us

Naruto poked Sasuke. “Tell Shikamaru if you want weed, you can’t steal mine again.”

“I get drug tested, moron.”

“I forgot about that.” He frowned. “Does Kakashi get tested?”

“Coach? I don’t think so.”

“He should be. He deserves it.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

Kiba

BUT HES NOT

Temari

Wow are u a transphobic?

Kiba

NO!!!! I support trans rights

Sai

I do not think dogs have a concept of gender.

Kiba

Thank you!!!!

Sai

So Akamaru is, in fact, gender non-conforming. Perhaps even agender.

Kiba

No!!!!!

Shino

The dog is trans. We have a queer majority.

Ino

We had one already

And the dog isn’t in the groupchat, so it’s still 8 to 5

Temari

Wait whose the 5th straight

Lee?

Lee

No! I am bisexual and proud!!

Temari

Really? We thought thankljasd

Nvm

Shikamaru

its sasuke

allegedly

Naruto

allegedly???? bro :(

we respect everyones identities here

Shino

Do we?

Temari

I don’t think I do

Sai

We have been repeatedly informed by Naruto that Sasuke is “so straight. so so so straight :((((((“

Naruto

OK LETS CHANGE THE SUBJECT

I think Akamaru should b trans

We don’t have any trans ppl in the gc

Kiba

NOT THAT SUBJECT

Ino

Again: the dog cannot type

Naruto

U don’t know that

Shino

I do. We did an experiment

Choji

How did it go?

Shikamaru

bad

“My star player and my favorite son, slacking off again.”

Naruto shaded his eyes with his phone and peered up. “But I’m your only son.”

“I have the dogs.”

“Can the dogs be son if they don’t have gender, though?” Naruto sat up and sighed.

Kakashi blinked. “…Huh?”

“What do you want, coach?”

“Maa, just checking in.”

“Can we leave the penalty box now?” Naruto asked.

“Ask the ref.”

Naruto groaned. “But Kakaaaashi, Coach Yamato hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s not even your coach.”

“Sasuke, that’s mean!!”

“It’s just the truth.”

“He would hate you less if you two stopped fighting and getting kicked out of scrimmages,” Kakashi said mildly.

“I never start it!!” Naruto protested. Sasuke kicked him. “See?!”

“Go do pushups with Lee.” Kakashi made a lazy shooing motion. “Go on. Get.”

“Ooooookay.” Naruto rolled over and shoved himself up. “Time to go! Believe it!”

“I wanna die,” Sasuke muttered.

“Come on! Sasuke!”

Kakashi squatted down next to his head. “Or you could stay here with me and have a nice, long chat about coming to terms with your sexuality as a professional athlete.”

Sasuke vaulted to his feet and sprinted towards the other side of the field.

“Yeah! Bye Kaka-dad!”

“I’ll be watching!” Kakashi called, waving. Sasuke shuddered.

~~~

The day of the pride parade dawned as hot and humid as the rest of the month.

“This sucks,” Naruto complained.

“It would suck less if you sat still!”

Naruto crossed his arms and pouted.

Sakura smacked the side of his head. “No pouting! It makes your eyes move.”

“Why do I even need eyeliner. I have my whiskers, those are fun.”

“This isn’t about fun,” Ino lectured, “This is about looking hot.”

“How does Gaara does this every day?”

“So it is makeup?” Sakura tilted her head. “Huh.”

“Yeah, I saw him put it on a few mornings. He’s been doing it since—ow!”

“If he’s been doing it for years he’s used to it,” Ino said.

“When are they getting here? I wanna say hi.”

“Everyone's going to be here in an hour, so for now you need to sit. Still!” Ino punctuated the last two words with jabs of the eyeliner.

“Ack!”

Sakura turned away and started rummaging through the closet. She pulled out handfuls of clothing at a time, discarding all of it. After building a large pile, she found a pair of pants that she liked.

“Do you have any shirts that aren't orange?”

“Um.”

She sighed. “Don't answer that. I'll be right back.”

She ducked out the door, and, true to her word, was back a few minutes later holding a scrap of silver fabric. Naruto frowned.

“Here.” Sakura threw the bundle at him.

“Give me one more second,” Ino’s tongue was stuck out of the side of her mouth. “Aaaaaaand done!”

Naruto blinked rapidly, adjusting to the new weight of his eyelashes. He inspected the bundle in his hands. It was an older pair of joggers, once he'd gotten as a joke since they had a rainbow stripe down the hem. The gray fabric was a tiny, metallic-y crop top that he’d seen Sai wear.

“Do I have to wear these?” He whined.

“You're gonna be an absolute snack.” Sakura shoved him towards the bathroom.

“Fine, fine.”

He staggered into the bathroom and quickly changed. The new clothes were different, but not terrible. The crop top skimmed over his skin, falling a few inches below his pecs. Almost all of his tattoo was exposed and…huh. He looked good. Cool, even.

He walked out of the bathroom to a course of wolf-whistles. Sai had wandered in, and he nodded approvingly as he scanned Naruto to head to toe.

“Hot damn,” Ino yelled. “I am good!”

Sakura kissed her cheek. “You're the best.”

“I am quite impressed. It is very different but flattering.”

Naruto blushed and scratched the back of his head. “Maaa, guys, you don't have to be so nice.”

“Stop it with the Kakashi voice,” Sakura said, chucking a pillow at him. “And with the false modesty. We worked fucking hard on that outfit, you'd better bring some confidence.”

“Confidence is my middle name!” Naruto said, striking a pose.

“I thought it was Namikaze?”

Sakura rolled her eyes. “Okay. Time for mimosas!”

They all piled out into the living room. Sasuke was sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine. He glanced up when they approached, scowling.

“What was all of tha…oh.”

“Sasuke!” Naruto jumped forward. “Look! They made me a special outfit!”

“I see,” Sasuke said weakly.

“Isn't it great, Sasuke?” Sakura’s smile was malicious. “Hey, Naruto. Do a spin to show it off.”

“Why?”

“Just do it!”

“Sure, Sakura.” Naruto complied with a shrug. He held his arms out for balance, then, putting all of his weight onto his left foot, kicked off with his right and completed a slow, careful twirl.

“Hn,” Sasuke wheezed.

“Isn't it great!” Ino draped herself over one of Naruto’s shoulders.

Sasuke flicked the magazine on to the coffee table and stood. “I'm getting a drink.”

“I'll come too!”

“No thank you.”

“What? Sasuke!” Naruto pouted.

Sasuke leaped gracelessly over the back of the couch and ran to the liquor cabinet.

Sakura was doubled over with laughter at this point. Naruto skittered around her and headed towards the booze, where Sasuke was drinking straight from the bottle again.

“Dude, that's gross.”

Sasuke glared. “Alcohol is an antiseptic.”

“Still. ‘S not cool.”

Naruto was about to snatch the bottle away when the doorbell rang.

“It's open!” Sakura yelled.

Temari, Shikamaru, Kankuro, and Gaara tumbled in.

“Guess who bought drugs,” Kankuro called.

Shikamaru smirked and held up an excessively large bag of gummy bears.

“Gaara!” Naruto sprinted over and slammed the other boy into an enthusiastic hug.

“Hello Naruto,” Gaara said, smiling.

“Dude, I missed you! Our defenders this year are shit compared to you.”

Gaara raised an eyebrow. “Even Sasuke?”

“Sasuke’s a striker, you know that.”

Shikamaru slouched over and punched Naruto in the arm. “Hey.”

“Shikamaru!” Naruto turned, beaming. “Bro! How has your summer been?”

“Boring, as usual.” He shrugged. “You look good, though. Who dressed you up?”

“Sakura and Ino! They even did eyeliner!” Naruto grinned.

“It is very striking,” Gaara said.

Sasuke loudly cleared his throat, and Naruto spun back around. He looked grumpier than usual. Huh.

“Come meet Sasuke!” He announced, grabbing Gaara’s arm and dragging him towards the kitchen.

“I believe we've met before.”

“Whatever, I'll reintroduce you, then.”

Gaara followed without complaint. Sasuke glared at Gaara as they approached.

“Sasuke!” Naruto bounced up on the balls of his feet. “This is Gaara! He went to high school with me, but he's in Arizona now.”

“Hello.” Gaara crossed his arms and leaned back until his shoulder bumped Naruto’s. “I dated Naruto for two years. I helped name all of the toads, and I have a standing invitation to family Christmas.”

“Uh.” Naruto blinked. “Um. Yeah.”

Sasuke set down his drink. “I was Naruto's first friend. I was there when he met Iruka, and we've been living together for almost two years.”

“Okay!!” Naruto patted Sasuke on the shoulder. “It's fine. Can I have a screwdriver now?”

“Did someone say screwdriver?” Temari shoved into the group.

“Hi, Temari!”

“Hey, Naruto.” She picked up a glass and sniffed it critically. “Huh. Not bad.”

“I'm an expert.” Sasuke flipped the vodka bottle and poured a perfect shot.

“You're an alcoholic,” Sakura snarked, grabbing a glass.

The doorbell rang again, and another pile of friends crowded in. Shino brought champagne (not the real stuff, sadly) so Sasuke switched to mimosas.

In forty-five minutes they were all pleasantly buzzed. Sakura sorted them into groups to Uber to the parade. Gaara ended up with his siblings, and Naruto squeezed in with Sakura, Ino, and Sasuke.

“Sasuke!” Naruto gasped. “This means you're my buddy, dude!”

“What?”

“The buddy system! So we keep safe.”

“Did you really date Gaara?” Sasuke was sitting in the front seat, so it was hard to gauge his emotions.

“Yeah,” Naruto shrugged. “He was my first boyfriend. My first everything, really. We broke up for college, though, since we didn't want to do long distance.”

“Tch.”

“Why?”

“Was that the only reason?”

Naruto scowled. “Sasuke.”

“Was it?” Sasuke twisted to make eye contact with Naruto.

“It—" Naruto shifted in his seat. “No. But I don't want to talk about it. That doesn't matter anymore, Gaara is my bro and I want you to like him.”

Sasuke turned back forward with a huff. “Fine.”

“If you have a gummy bear you'll be less grumpy,” Naruto offered.

“No, moron. I told you.”

“Oh, right. Right.” He paused. “Not even one?”

Sasuke reached back and flailed at Naruto. “I'm gonna fucking murder you!”

“Hey, hey! Get off!”

Sakura hit Naruto on the back of the head and smacked Sasuke’s hands down. “I'm so sorry,” she said to the driver. “They’re basically toddlers.”

Thankfully the driver had a sense of humor, and they weren't kicked out.

Downtown, as they'd expected, was crazy. Streets were blocked off, and foot traffic clogged the few left open. They ended up climbing out a 10-minute walk away from the parade route since it would be faster on foot.

Naruto thought that they'd have to shove their way through. Instead, most of the people parted cordially, faintly brushing their arms if they made contact at all.

“People are so nice,” Naruto commented happily.

Sakura snorted. “It's because they're all checking you out, dumbass.”

“Really?”

“It doesn't hurt that you look very single compared to us,” Ino added.

“Whatever.”

“Neji’s float is pretty early, so we need to get to the meetup spot soon.”

“Okay! Naruto scanned around for familiar faces. The crowds got thicker the closer they got to the route, and Naruto automatically reached out towards Sasuke’s hand. 

“Tch.”

“Buddies, remember?”

Sasuke sighed and held out his arm. “Just. Grab my wrist.”

“Huh?” Naruto turned back.

Sasuke’s face was bright crimson. “Hold on to my—ugh. Never mind.”

“Oh! Your wrist!”

“Yeah.”

Naruto grinned and wrapped his left hand around Sasuke’s wrist. He kept his grip light, so he wasn't yanking, but tight enough that they wouldn't be accidentally separated.

He noticed a familiar shock of red hair a few dozen feet away. “Hey, Gaara!” Naruto yelled. “Over here!”

He waved enthusiastically with his free hand. The other siblings were there too.

“Yo, Temari!” Sakura shouted.

The rest of the group turned, and they all gradually struggled to meet. Soon, Naruto was surrounded by friends. He kept a tight hand on Sasuke as they wandered towards the meetup point.

They quickly found the other subgroup. Someone passed around a flask, and Naruto ate his last gummy bear. He leaned further into Sasuke’s side, cheering as floats passed and absently reaching out for goodies.

The school float approached slowly, and the group went wild. Their enthusiasm spread, and soon most of the block was hollering. Lee soaked it up, throwing out huge handfuls of beads. Neji was a steady leader, holding a consistent pace and keeping a surprisingly warm smile. Hinata was there too, waving shyly, decked out in trans pride flags.

They started gossiping as soon as the float turned the corner, Ino commenting on everyone's outfits and makeup. They shifted towards the park, scoping out an embankment they could sit on while the rest of the parade passed.

“Be CAREFUL,” Sakura yelled as everyone tried to cross the road.

“Run, Sasuke!” Naruto laughed, breathlessly tugging at his arm as they stumbled through the cross traffic.

Choji threw himself face-first into the grass. “Huuuunnnnngghhh.”

“Yeah,” Naruto agreed, sitting down. Shikamaru nodded.

Sasuke sat half on top of Naruto, pushed into him by the crush of the crowd. Naruto leaned his head back onto Sai’s calves and just...smiled. His most precious people were here, he was perfectly intoxicated, and the last hours of summer sunshine were warm on his skin.

They stayed in the grass until most of the parade had passed them. It was already evening, and the first shadows of sunset started creeping around corners.

“Naruto,” Gaara said, poking him in the side.

“Yeah?”

“What are we doing next?”

Naruto shrugged. “I don't know. We could jump into the fountain.”

“The fountain?” Temari asked.

“Oh, I forgot that you didn’t grow up here.”

“The fountain,” Sakura explained, “Isn't really a fountain. It's a fake lake in the park, with a huge sprinkler thing in the middle. It's fun.”

“Is it safe?”

Sakura waved a hand. “You might get pink eye, but you won't die.”

“Sounds fun,” Kankuro said.

“Then we'll do it.”

Sakura sat up and peered at the sun. “We should probably head out soon. Once it gets dark it gets much easier to slip.”

“Okay!” Naruto lurched to a standing position. “Believe it!”

Sasuke stood and stretched. “Is this what pride is like every year?”

Gaara looked over, surprised. “You've never been to Pride before?”

Sasuke visibly lost his good mood. “No.”

“Why?”

He glared, not replying.

Sakura sighed. “He’s straight, Gaara.”

“He's straight?” Gaara’s eyes widened comically.

“I don't see why that's so hard to believe,” Sasuke hissed, wrenching his arm from Naruto’s grasp and marching away.

“Sasuke!” Naruto called. “Oh, shit.”

“I'm sorry, I thought that...” Gaara trailed off as Sasuke retreated.

“Yeah,” Ino said, making a face. “We know.”

“Sasuke!” Naruto called again, jogging to catch up.

“Leave me alone, dead last!” Sasuke yelled.

“No! Buddy system.”

“Fuck the buddy system!” He snapped. “But. I'm going to the fountain. You can follow me if you want.”

“Of course I want to, bro. We're buddies.”

“Shut up.” 

The rest of the group was staggering to their feet now. Naruto gestured in the direction of the fountain and made a sprinkling motion. Sakura rolled her eyes and waved him on. He turned and hurried back towards Sasuke. The streets were still packed, and Naruto lost sight of him for a brief, panicked minute. He pushed his way through the park and sprinted the last few feet to the fountain.

Naruto caught himself at the edge of the water and peered out anxiously. The pink light of the sunset caught in the water, illuminating a single figure against the spray.

Naruto kicked off his shoes and walked closer, trying to get a better view of the figure. It was. It was Sasuke.

And he was breathtaking. _Oh no_.

Tiny droplets of water traced lines from his hair down to his shoulders. His eyes were closed, and his hands were raised. His head was thrown back, and the mist was collecting in his eyelashes. He was turning in small circles, letting the water caress his skin.

Naruto looked like an idiot right now. He wasn’t moving, he was staring. His jaw had dropped to the floor. A feeling started building in the pit of his stomach. It was a weird combination of anxiety and mania, almost like. Just like a crush.

“Oh,” Naruto whispered. “I’m in love with him.”

~~~

_What must it be like to grow up that beautiful?_

_With your hair falling into place like dominoes_

“You're staring again.”

Naruto straightened up, dropping his pen. “Um.”

Sakura rolled her eyes and sat down next to him, peering over at his phone. “Really?”

“Look,” Naruto said, blushing furiously. “I just—it was—it’s a good song!”

“It's a mediocre song.”

“You just hate T-swift.”

“I don't, but that's not the point.” She crossed her arms.

“What point?”

“Naruto. You're staring at him from three tables away, listening to a dumb love song on repeat. Do you realize how cliche that is?”

“Whatever,” Naruto grumbled.

“Also,” she continued, rant increasing in volume. “You're his best friend! Why don't you just walk over and ask to study with him?!”

“Sssssh, Sakura. You're yelling.” Naruto nervously scanned around, but thankfully no one had noticed the commotion.

“Ugh. You're so useless.”

“I did ask,” Naruto said.

“Really?”

“He said that I was ‘too distracting’, which is stupid.”

Sakura leaned down and started hitting her head on the desk. She was muttering something, but Naruto couldn't make it out.

“Sakura?”

“You are the worst friend,” she said, face pressed against the books.

Naruto pouted. “That's mean, Sakura.”

“When are you going to tell him you're in love with him?”

“No!” Naruto reached out, trying to cover her mouth. She easily batted his hands away.

“What? It's getting ridiculous. I take back everything I said when you were in denial, this is worse. The sighing in the house basically counts as a hurricane now.”

He scowled. “I'm not going to tell him anything, because he’s straight.”

“He does hair masks once a month.”

“That's—he cares about his appearance.” Naruto protested.

“He owns, like, thirty pairs of shoes.”

“He's a soccer player! They need lots of...Cleats. And things.”

“He has a favorite musical.”

“Stereotypes!”

“His room is impeccably clean.”

Naruto frowned. “How is that a gay thing?”

“Well.” Sakura paused. “Sai has a clean room.”

“Are you just saying he's gay because he's like Sai?”

Sakura huffed. “No, idiot, I'm saying he's gay because he had to go lie down for ten minutes when you came back from the pool last week.”

Naruto thought back, squinting. “Really? I thought he was studying.”

“He literally collapsed onto his bed and covered his face with a pillow. It was very dramatic.”

“That’s...huh.”

Sakura grinned. “Why don't you test it out? Walk around shirtless for the next few days and see what happens.”

Naruto flipped his pen in between his fingers, considering. Being flustered around shirtless guys wasn't a gay thing, necessarily. But Sasuke hung out with shirtless guys all the time. Did he think Naruto was ugly? He did have the stomach tattoo from when he turned eighteen, maybe that was it.

“We can say the AC is broken.”

“Wouldn't he check?”

“Well.” Sakura leaned back. “Sai could break the AC.”

“I think the frogs would like that, actually.”

Her grin was evil now. “It's a deal. I'm texting Sai right now.”

“Do I have to be shirtless all the time?”

“If you want to,” Sakura shrugged. “Or you can only do it around Sasuke.”

“Wouldn't he notice?”

“Nah.” She stood, now texting furiously. “I'll see you at home, we should have it ready in about an hour.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“Bye Naruto!”

“Bye.”

Naruto turned back to his books and restarted his music. It was going to be an interesting week.

_Eyes like sinking ships on waters_

_So inviting I almost jump in_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty all for the sweet comments!!! you guys are the best   
> y'all,,, i had to work so hard to not turn this chapter into a chat fic, writing the group text was so much fun. also you get bonus points if you can pick up the side pairing i hinted at :))   
> and yes. the Soub was real. i have videos. they're terrifying.


	3. Chapter Three

“Hey!!” Naruto exhaled clouds of condensation as he ran over to meet Sakura.

“Hey!” She waved, smiling. “Did you get the seats?”

“Yeah!” Naruto nodded and pointed over to the stadium. “We have a really good view, and I’m at a good angle to throw popcorn into Kakashi’s hair.”

“Do you have popcorn?”

Naruto held up a large red-and-white box, grinning.

“We’ll get kicked out,” Sakura pointed out, rolling her eyes.

“They can’t kick me out, I’m here on official team business.”

“How?”

They made it back to their seats, and Naruto set down the popcorn to pull a small notebook out of his coat pocket. “I’m taking notes for Kakashi.”

Sakura settled down, pulling a thermos of tea out of her bag. “Why?”

“He says I have good eyes. And he says that since I spend most of my time staring at Sasuke I might as well do something useful with it.”

“Is your dad paying you to write down all of your thoughts about Sasuke?”

“Believe it!!”

“He deserves the popcorn hair,” Sakura decided.

The audience slowly trickled in as the teams finished their warm-ups. Their program was good enough that the second round of the college cup wasn’t a particularly big deal. It would be packed once they got to the semifinals (and Naruto knew they would), but today's attendance was pretty average. 

“Is Iruka coming?” Sakura asked.

“He’s at work right now, but he might stop by for the second half.”

Sakura gestured back at the field. “Who are they playing?”

“Some religious school,” Naruto shrugged. “They’re from North Carolina I think.” 

“Are they good?”

He pulled out his notebook and flipped back a few pages. “Uh…yeah! They’re usually pretty bad, but they won their conference this year in an upset. They have a really good midfielder, we actually tried to recruit him. Their mascot is the fighting Camel though, which is fuckin hilarious.”

Sakura paused. “You know what? I think a camel could fuck you up. They’re really big.”

“Aren’t they, like, gentle giants?”

“No, google it, I’m definitely sure they’ve killed people.”

“Most things have killed people,” Naruto argued. “Especially when they’re animals that people ride around for fun.”

“You’re just jealous because no one wants to ride you for fun.”

Naruto sputtered, almost falling off the seat. “WHAT? Sakura, you can’t SAY THAT!”

She smirked. “Oh hey! they’re starting.”

“You’re the worst,” Naruto blushed, pulling his hat down and leaning forward.

Sasuke was a starter, because of course he was. If Naruto ever wrote poetry, which he wouldn’t, he would write poetry about Sasuke on the field. When he was playing he took on this aura, this glow that Naruto couldn’t explain. Even when sweaty and bloody, his natural beauty shone through. It was hard to look anywhere else.

And that was only Sasuke’s appearance, it wasn’t even his play. He absolutely dominated the other players. He should be off playing in Europe, in a professional league, somewhere they would appreciate his skill level. Naruto would be deeply surprised if he wasn’t invited to the Olympics next year.

“Who’s that guy?” Sakura asked.

“Hmm?”

She pointed to a black-haired midfielder on their team. “I haven’t seen him before.”

“Oh! That’s Tobio. He’s been injured, so I don’t think he played until last month.”

There was a loud cheer. While they’d been talking, Sasuke had already had a shot on goal.

“Damn,” Naruto muttered, quickly scribbling the time and Sasuke’s approximate position.

“How do you think this will go?”

“Honestly? It’ll probably be pretty one-sided. It’s not a good sign for them that we’ve already had a shot attempt in the first minute.”

Sakura nodded. “I brought some cross-stitch if it gets boring.”

“Nice! What are you working on?”

She leaned over and pulled a large scrap of fabric out of her bag. On the right, there was a beautiful, intricate pink and red unicorn. And on the left, partially stitched and partially outlined in pencil, were the words ‘new plan fuck it’.

“Very good,” Naruto said approvingly. “I think it should go in the living room.”

“Honestly, I was thinking it should go in the bathroom.”

“But the shit happens one is so good!” 

She shrugged. “It’s getting a little old.”

They turned their attention back to the game. Sasuke was still dancing through the opposing defense. Suigetsu, the right midfielder, was lounging back with defense, and from this distance, they were apparently having a casual chat.

Lee, the other middie, was bouncing on his heels, jumping back and forth and re-directing the ball whenever the other team managed to clear it. If they had a solid lead in the fourth quarter, there was a good chance he’d start doing cartwheels to pass the time.

Naruto took detailed notes as they neared the middle of the first quarter. Sasuke had been cautious, feeling out the other team’s weak points and calling out different strategies. He was treating this…Naruto squinted. He was treating this as a scrimmage. Oh boy.

“He’s not even taking this seriously,” he told Sakura.

“Really?”

“Yeah, there was a clear shot a minute ago and he didn’t take it, he dropped back to Jugo.”

“We haven’t even scored yet!”

Naruto rolled his eyes. “Yeah, he doesn’t care. Did you bring any snacks?”

“You have popcorn.”

“I’m saving it to throw.”

“No.”

“Spoilsport.”

The first period passed, scoreless. Naruto gradually stopped taking any notes. They weren’t particularly useful. Instead, he focused on his popcorn launches. He had to time them out perfectly since the other audience members would notice if there was a constant popcorn barrage. He managed to land a hit right at the midpoint of the second.

“Yeah!! Believe it!!”

Sakura paused her cross-stitch to hit him in the back of the head. “Good job! Now stop.”

“Fine.”

Kakashi noticed the popcorn and slowly turned. Naruto waved and made an exaggerated yawning motion. Kakashi nodded and called a time out.

“Oh, good, I think Kakashi’s gonna yell at them for sucking.”

They both waved at Sasuke as he jogged to the sidelines. He smiled, waving back.

“He’s still so cool,” Sakura sighed.

“Hey! You have a girlfriend!” Naruto said, defensive.

“I don’t want to fuck him anymore, dumbass. I’m just saying.”

“Oh. Yeah, he is.”

The game picked up after Kakashi’s pointed lecture. Sasuke scored almost as soon as he was back on the field, and the other team quickly realized that he’d been playing at half strength and threw all of their defenders at him. 

At the end of the day, the opposition still didn’t manage to score, and the final result was 4-0 good guys. Naruto and Sakura made their way downwards at the final whistle. Sakura looked around nervously when Naruto jumped the small blockade dividing the seats and the field.

“Are you sure this is okay?”

“Yeah! The security dudes know me, and if they don’t they know Kakashi.”

“Okay.” Permission granted, she swiftly vaulted the fence and they walked to the celebration.

Suigetsu had already dumped the Gatorade over Kakashi’s head, and everyone else was cheerfully mocking him.

“Hey Coach!” Naruto waved. “Nice hair.”

Kakashi turned and shook his head in their direction, send drops of Gatorade flying. “Hello, son.”

“Ack! Hey!!”

“Hey Naruto,” Jugo said, smiling.

“Good game, dude!” Naruto gave him a fist bump. “That slide tackle in the third was sick.”

“Thanks! I did the feral thing again.”

“Yeah, I could tell.” 

“Hey, Sasuke!” Sakura called. “Stop being weird and say hi!”

Naruto craned his neck around as Sasuke strolled over. He was…so attractive right now. Sweaty and dirty, like everyone after the game, but still. Naruto really wanted to lick his collarbones. It was fine, he was working on it. It wasn’t like he’d been in love with him since June and still didn’t what to do about it. Also, his ass was so nice today. Fuck.

“Naruto,” Sasuke greeted.

“You look—um. Good Game! Great game! You played really well!”

Sakura sighed deeply. “Yeah, good game. It was fun.” 

Sasuke bumped his shoulder against Naruto’s as he walked past. “Thanks. They kinda sucked, it wasn’t too interesting.”

Naruto turned and fell into step with him. “Yeah. I was excited about that one guy, Sora, but he was too busy guarding you to do anything interesting.”

“He was annoying,” Sasuke muttered.

“What are you two doing after?” Sakura asked, skipping to catch up.

“Dinner with Coach and Dad,” Naruto said. “You’re both invited, though since Sasuke scored I think it’s more of an order.”

“Oh, good. I have a date with Ino, so I’d appreciate it if you were out of the house until ten.”

Naruto made a face. Sasuke nodded.

“Great!” She pulled them both into one-shoulder hugs. “Okay, bye!”

“I like that we get a warning, but I’d like slightly less warning, you know? Like. If it was more vague it’d be nice.”

“Tch.”

“Anyway, that midfielder,” Naruto rambled. He wasn’t thinking about Sasuke’s hair. “They have a similar player on next week’s team, I think, a primarily defensive dude.”

“Good job, Sasuke,” Coach Yamato said as they passed.

“Thanks.”

“And Naruto, can we talk tomorrow? I need your help with a workshop.”

“Yeah!” Naruto jumped to a stop. “Is it the one with the high schoolers you’ve been doing?”

Yamato nodded. “Yes, it’s their final session before the holidays.”

“Aw, great! I’m gonna wear a fun sweater!’

“That sounds lovely.” Yamato smiled.

“Maybe Sasuke will come.” Sasuke, already fifteen feet away, leaned down to pick up his gear bag. “Hey! I’ll see you tomorrow, Yamato, and I’ll bring him. Sasuke!”

Sasuke headed towards the parking lot, undeterred.

“Can you give me a ride?”

“Yeah.”

Naruto scrambled into the passenger’s seat. “How many of your finals are early this year? And when are they starting?”

“Only two, and they’re at the beginning of next week.” Sasuke started the car.

“That’s not terrible. You have tomorrow off, right? What are you doing? Do you wanna come to the workshop?”

Sasuke made a face. “With the kids?”

“Come onnnn, it’ll be fun! And they’re basically our age.”

“Maybe.”

“Nice! That means yes!”

“No, it means maybe. What’s for dinner?”

Naruto shrugged. “Takeout, I think. Dad got stuck at work, so he’s gonna pick something up downtown.”

“So, Ichiraku.”

“Believe it!”

Sasuke turned up the music. They made it home before anyone else, unsurprisingly. Naruto let them in and Sasuke headed straight to the guest shower.

“The clean towels are under the counter,” Naruto called.

“I know.”

Kakashi pulled in while Naruto was still lounging on the couch.

“Hey.”

“Hey coach!”

“Is Dad home?”

Naruto sat up and stretched. “Nah. He’s like five minutes away, though. Sasuke is showering.”

“Good. Do you have your notes?”

“Yeah!!” Naruto fumbled through his pockets and held them up triumphantly.

“Did you see that play in the second, with the box cross?”

Naruto flipped through a few pages. “I think so. Did Jugo have the ball at the beginning?”

“Yeah.”

Kakashi sat down and they compared notes, discussing the relative merits of that particular tactic. Iruka arrived, arms full, while they were in the middle of a disagreement about footwork. Naruto jumped up, beaming.

“Dad! Did you get ramen?”

“No, I got barbecue for once.”

“Why?” Naruto whined.

“Because I love my husband and the player who scored the game-winning goal.” Iruka set the bags down on the kitchen table. Kakashi wandered in and kissed him on the cheek.

“Marrying you was the best decision I ever made.”

Iruka gently pushed him away. “Of course it was. Will you grab silverware?”

“Wounded,” Kakashi clutched his chest.

“I love you. You usually make bad choices.”

“This is gross,” Naruto commented. “I have plates.”

“Bring them to the dining room,” Iruka instructed.

“Got it!”

Kakashi followed with silverware, and Iruka unpacked the various dishes. Sasuke walked out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam as they were sitting down.

“Sasuke, your timing is perfect,” Iruka said warmly. “Pop a squat.”

“Thanks, Iruka.”

Naruto held out a chair, patting the seat encouragingly. Sasuke rolled his eyes and took the offered place.

Despite not being ramen, the dinner was delicious. Sasuke tried to help with clean up, but Iruka quickly shooed him into the living room. Naruto rinsed the dishes and loaded them up, then made a beeline out of the kitchen.

Sasuke was flipping through his soccer notebook, the one with all of his game notes. He glanced up when Naruto entered. “What is this?”

“O-oh, it’s just my game notes. Since I’m in the audience, I get a different view from everyone else, so I like to be useful. It’s really boring, dude, it’s just a bunch of stats mostly.”

Sasuke read quickly, jumping back and forth between sections. “Most of this is about me.”

“Well,” Naruto squeaked, “You’re the top player, so it makes sense!”

“You watch me?”

“I…yeah.” Naruto walked over. “Sasuke, I can explain.”

“It’s good analysis. Why do you talk about my hair? And about,” He stopped, staring at a large scribble.

He was close enough now that he could make out the page. It was one of the rare times Kakashi had asked to see the notes; usually, Naruto’s handwriting was so terrible that he reported to Kakashi in person, using his notes as a reference. He remembered blushing terribly when he’d shown it to Kakashi because he’d written a paragraph-long rant about the way Sasuke’s skin looked in the sunlight on the same page as the analysis. Kakashi had spent five minutes laughing at him and drawn a little winking scarecrow next to the embarrassing section. 

Sasuke was staring at it. “Why did Kakashi see that?”

“He, uh, pays me to watch you. Not in a creepy way! Just on the field!”

“He pays you.”

“Yeah,” Naruto reached out to try and take the book. “Look, if it makes you uncomfortable we’ll stop. I just—Kakashi knows that I’m really familiar with your playing style, so I can help.”

Sasuke threw the book to the ground and shoved past Naruto, heading out of the room. “Sure. That’s why.”

Naruto scrambled after him. “What? Of course it is. Sasuke, where are you going?”

Iruka was standing in the kitchen, making tea. “Oh! Naruto, Sasuke, can you…”

Sasuke walked straight past, grabbing his coat from the wall. Naruto put on a burst of speed and physically threw himself in front of the door. 

“Sasuke! Stop!”

“Get out of the way,” Sasuke ordered in a calm, flat tone.

“What’s going on?” Iruka set down the kettle and walked over.

“I don’t know! Sasuke’s going crazy!”

“I’m leaving.” Iruka reached out to touch Sasuke’s shoulder but he flinched away, glaring.

Kakashi slouched in. “Maaa, Naruto, why are you yelling?”

“Sasuke’s been weird since he found my notebook and learned you were paying me to watch him during games,” Naruto explained, arms still blocking the exit.

“Ah. Well, if you don’t like it, Sasuke, I’ll have him stop.”

“You can’t—you can’t do this,” Sasuke choked out, whirling to face Kakashi. His face was screwed up now, and his hands were shaking. “You’re using him.”

“Naruto has been completely willing to help with post-game analyses. But you,” Kakashi paused, gaze flicking rapidly between Sasuke and Naruto. “You think I’m paying him to do something else.”

“I was so stupid,” Sasuke said softly. “I thought—well. It doesn’t matter now, because I know what you’re doing.”

“What? Sasuke, what are you talking about?” Naruto took a cautious step forward.

“They’re using you to bring me into this ‘family’ so that they can control me.” Sasuke let out a short, harsh laugh. “Orochimaru told me everything. He told me they were trying to adopt me, trying to make me into a mini-Kakashi. Use my talent to build his legacy.”

“That’s not what happened,” Iruka said firmly. “He was lying to you.”

“We did try to adopt you.” Kakashi’s shoulders were tense now, the only visible point of stress in his otherwise loose stance. “But we were too late. Orochimaru got there first. I could have fought it. I should have fought it.”

Iruka stepped forward, hands fluttering as if to pull Sasuke into a hug. “It was…that was the hardest year of our lives, I think. Naruto talked about you every day, talked about bringing you home.”

“You. What?” Naruto’s gaze jumped back and forth between Sasuke and his parents.

Sasuke was shrinking into himself, staring down at the floor.

Kakashi walked up to Sasuke, stopping next to Iruka. “It’s still one of the greatest regrets of my life.”

“No,” Sasuke said, still looking away. “That’s—you didn’t want me.”

“We did.”

“And we still do. But” Kakashi glanced wryly over at Naruto, “I did not ask my son to seduce you so that I could control your talent. I did it so that I could win a bet against Guy.”

Iruka punched him in the side. “Not the time!”

“Ouch. Sorry. Anyway. Naruto’s feelings for you are his feelings, not some kind of trap.”

“You thought I was seducing you?” Naruto frowned. “You thought I was seducing you so that…Kakashi could force you to play soccer?”

Sasuke didn’t respond.

“That’s like, really dumb of you. For one, Kakashi didn’t even force me to play soccer, and I’m better than you.” Naruto crossed his arms, scowling. “For two, I’ve been in love with you for like, six months and you still haven’t noticed, so clearly I’m really bad at the seduction thing. For three,”

Sasuke pushed past him, shoving the door open and running to his car.

“ _Sasuke_!” Naruto righted himself and ran out, reaching for Sasuke’s hand. He was almost there, almost able to reach him—and then there was a firm grip around his upper arm.

“You should let him go,” Kakashi said softly.

“No, he can’t. He can’t leave me, we need to talk about this. He needs…he needs to come home,” Naruto whispered.

“He will.”

“What if he doesn’t? What if he’s an idiot jerk?”

Kakashi shrugged. "Well, he needs to come to practice on Tuesday or he won’t be able to play in the game this week.”

“Uuuuuuuugh,” Naruto slumped dramatically. “But that’s so far away.”

“It’s literally in two days.”

“Hmmph.”

Kakashi put a comforting hand on Naruto’s shoulder. “Sasuke will come back. But he needs the space to process this. You did tell him you were in love with him.”

“No, I…” Naruto turned stark white. “Oh no.”

“Let’s go inside.”

~~~

Naruto wasn’t moping, because he wasn’t. He didn’t mope. He was simply…busy with class things. God, finals were in less than a week. Every single semester was going by faster than the last. He only had three more until he graduated, four if he stayed for the summer again. What would happen to them after graduation? What if Sasuke never got his head out of his ass?

“Ugh,” he collapsed forward, hitting his face on his laptop. It was fine. Jiraiya wouldn’t notice if three-quarters of this essay was 7yyyyyyyyyyyhyyyyyyyy, right?

Sasuke hadn’t shown up at the workshop. He also hadn’t come home and hadn’t replied to Naruto’s texts. Or his calls. Or his emails. He needed a distraction, and clearly, the essay wasn't working. He could try to text Sakura? No, she was studying right now. Maybe…aha!

He could go to the frat house! Someone would be there. Maybe even Lee, who would be able to tell him if Sasuke was staying with anyone on the soccer team.

Decision made, Naruto packed up his laptop and grabbed his bike. The house was a solid 15-minute ride away, which meant he'd have time to build up a nice sweat. Hopefully, the exercise would help him stop not-moping.

He skidded into the driveway barely 10 minutes later, panting hard. He set the bike against the side of the house and took a long swig from his water bottle. The front door was unlocked.

“Hey!” He yelled. “Anyone home?”

Kiba staggered out of the kitchen and breathed a deep sigh of relief. “Naruto, thank God.”

“Um. Hey? What's up?”

“Snowflakes,” Kiba muttered, eyes haunted. “So many.”

“Snowflakes?”

“KIBA!” Shikamaru bellowed from the living room. “You're slacking!”

Kiba held up his hands. They were bright red, with sharp purple indentations on the pads of his index fingers. “It's been terrible.”

“I'm really confused.”

Shikamaru stormed out. “KIB—oh, Naruto. Excellent. You can sub in for Kiba, and then rotate through anyone who needs a break.”

“What's going on?”

“Snowflakes,” Kiba muttered again.

“There was an issue with merchandising,” Shikamaru briskly explained. “We ordered 8,000 snowflake key chains to give out at the Lighting. We didn’t notice that the excellent price was due to the fact that they needed to be assembled by hand.”

Naruto blanched. “The Lighting is really soon.”

“We've completed 4,375 today. We need to finish them by 6:00 PM Tuesday when everyone leaves for Thanksgiving break.” Shikamaru took a grim sip of Monster. “I'm surprised we're already sending out relief texts.”

“No, I came here because I needed to talk to someone. But I'm happy to help!”

“I think you'll be a very useful asset.”

“Thanks!”

Shikamaru grabbed his upper arm and pulled him into the kitchen. “First, you'll be helping with Step one, punching out the snowflakes. You need to be careful, because they occasionally stick, and if they’re bent it makes step two really hard.”

“Oka—oh. Fuck.” Naruto stopped dead in the doorway. There were towers of boxes on the floor, and all of the counter space was taken up by sheets of small plastic snowflakes. Choji and Shino were working in grim silence, popping the snowflakes out of their sheets and stacking them on baking trays.

“Once you’ve finished a tray,” Shikamaru continued, “Ring the Bell and I'll come to pick it up. I carry the tray to step two.”

They walked into the dining room. There was a similar setup, but this time the trays were being filled with now three-dimensional snowflakes.

“You’ll slot three plastic snowflakes together. You need exactly one snowflake with the tabs on the top and bottom, but otherwise, it's easy.”

Lee looked up for a moment and waved. Idate didn't bother, he just grunted a greeting.

Shikamaru pulled Naruto onwards. “And finally, in the living room, step three is the final assembly. This is the quickest, which is why I'm half here and half facilitating the other steps.”

As he spoke, Neji picked up a completed snowflake, popped it into a metal key chain ring, and placed it into a new box.

“So what will I be doing?”

“You'll be floating.” Shikamaru picked up a key chain and checked that the snowflake could freely spin. “You'll spend 15 minutes learning at each station, and then you'll step in wherever I put you.”

Naruto nodded. “Okay!”

“Let's go.”

The next three hours faded into a blur of plastic and finger pain. He did help, though. The other boys had expressions of stark relief on their faces when he subbed in and were reinvigorated after their breaks.

Shikamaru rang the bell at exactly seven PM.

“Dinner break,” he yelled. “There's pizza over in the game room.”

“Believe it!” Naruto cheered.

They all piled into the game room and ravaged the pizza. Choji had a full pie for himself, and everyone else ended up with a solid five slices.

“We’re doing well, guys,” Shikamaru explained as they ate. “The addition of Naruto has upped our productivity by approximately 15%.”

Lee patted Naruto enthusiastically on the back, and there were a few small cheers.

“We've officially passed the 2/3 mark, so I have two options for you: we can keep working and we’ll be done around one if our current pace holds. Or we can take an overnight break and start again in the morning at six, with a completion time of approximately eleven.”

“I think we should continue!” Lee announced. “We should see our task to completion.”

“I'll stay if I can crash here after,” Naruto said.

“I vote tonight,” Kiba seconded.

“Yeah, I really want to get this over with.”

There was a general murmur of assent.

“Then it's settled.” Shikamaru reached back and started tossing out cans of energy drinks. “Drink up, bros, we've got a long night ahead of us.”

Four hours later, Naruto was lying on the floor, covered in punched out plastic sheets.

“What is pain,” he whispered. “Is this all there is? Pain, and time?”

Kiba kicked his arm. “Bro, stop it with the existential dread. We're almost free.”

“Can anyone ever be free?” Shino asked, voice gravelly from disuse.

“Who fucking knows. I'll never have to see a snowflake again, though.”

“That's just not true, dude,” Naruto said. “Snow happens here. And in North places.”

Kiba sighed. “You know what I mean.”

Naruto groaned and rolled over, shoving himself to his feet.

“The good thing about this,” he said, “Is at least I haven't had time to be sad about Sasuke.”

“Good. Don't start now, I don't care.”

“Okay.”

By the grace of God, they finished punching out all the snowflakes. But then they all moved to assembly, and finally to packing.

“These boxes all need to go into my car,” Shikamaru said, rubbing his eyes. “But we can do it later. Not now.”

“Thank fuck,” Neji groaned, collapsing onto the floor. “I am sleeping here.”

“Everyone get some rest, in an actual bed,” Shikamaru ordered. “Naruto, you can crash in Choji’s room, his roommate left early.”

Naruto nodded and stumbled up the stairs, following Choji. He fell face-first into the mattress and was unconscious in minutes.

~~~

He woke up to the smell of cheap coffee and bacon.

“Hrrrrrmmmmm.”

Bacon. Why was there bacon? No one in the house liked it, so no one cooked it except for...

“Sasuke!” He sat bolt upright, a sleepy grin crossing his face. He swung his legs off the bed and ran out of his room, directly into Shino.

“Good morning.”

Naruto blinked. Why was Shino in his house? Also, why did his mouth taste so bad?

“Choji has made breakfast,” Shino said and started to climb down the stairs.

Naruto turned to follow him, stomach sinking as he remembered yesterday. He checked his phone. It was still alive, barely. He had two missed calls from Sakura and a few texts from classmates, but nothing from Sasuke. His shoulders slumped further.

A few people were gathered around the kitchen table, drinking coffee, and waiting for bacon.

“Hello Naruto!” Lee greeted loudly.

“Hey Lee,” Naruto sat next to him, yawning. “Have you heard from Sasuke recently?”

Lee was immediately, incredibly guilty. “No.”

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

“I have not received any messages from my friend Sasuke which would be useful to my good friend Naruto.”

“Oh, but you've received messages which wouldn't be useful?”

“You've heard from him?” Naruto turned on his best puppy-dog eyes. “Please, Lee, I just want to know if he's okay.”

“He is fine!” Lee promised. “He is staying wit—” He physically cut himself off, covering his mouth with both hands.

“Who is he staying with? Is it someone on the soccer team?”

Lee shook his head frantically.

“Is it Jugo?”

Lee collapsed onto the table with a muffled groan.

“Will you text Jugo and ask him if Sasuke’s okay? And when he'll come home? I'm going to go to practice today, but if he's coming home earlier I need to be there.”

“Naruto...” Lee stared up, tears forming at the corner of his eyes. “I am so sorry, my friend, but Sasuke has asked coach Yamato to make sure you do not attend practice.”

“Oh.”

“I am so sorry,” Lee sobbed, leaning his head on Naruto’s arm.

“It's. It's fine.” Naruto patted him on the back, forcing a smile. “Can I have some coffee?”

Shikamaru held out a cup.

“Thanks.”

It was warm, and the cream had just been added. Naruto stared as the white clouds bloomed into the black coffee, the cream gradually diffusing and turning the cup a caramel brown.

“You could kidnap him,” Shikamaru said. “We'd help.”

Naruto considered the offer. “If he doesn't talk to me before we go to Cary for the semis let's do it.”

“I'll start planning.”

“I will be the inside man!” Lee offered.

“Lee, you'd be a terrible double agent,” Kiba said, walking in and grabbing coffee.

“You do not know that!!”

Shikamaru sighed. “You literally just told us everything Sasuke didn't want us to know.”

“Oh, that's who we’re kidnapping? Why am I not surprised.”

Naruto dramatically threw an arm over his face. “Guys, what if he doesn't like me? What if the kidnapping makes it worse?”

“It'll all work out.” Choji patted Naruto on the head. “Have some bacon.”

The kidnapping plans were momentarily paused while they scarfed down the food. Neji wandered in, poured the rest of the coffee pot into his massive travel cup, and started chugging. Choji and Akamaru got into a fight over the last piece of bacon, and Shikamaru started doing vape tricks.

Naruto hung around the house for most of the day. They loaded up the evil snowflake boxes into Shikamaru's car, then started an informal smash Smash Bros tournament. Naruto made it to the semifinals, where he somewhat ungraciously lost to Lee.

He stretched back, grumbling, and checked the time.

“Ah, shit, I gotta go. I have a paper due tonight.”

“Boo,” Kiba called from an armchair.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Chapter is tomorrow, right?”

“Yes,” Neji replied. “Wear a Christmas sweater.”

“Will do!”

“Tell us if you contact Sasuke! And if you need us to complete the kidnapping!” Lee called.

“Or don't tell us, for once. That would be nice,” Shikamaru muttered.

“Jerk. Okay, bye guys!”

His bike was still intact, thankfully. He took his time on the ride home. He knew vaguely where Jugo lived, but it was on the opposite side of campus. And he didn't even know the specific house.

“This is useless,” he muttered, still turning his bike around and heading in that direction.

He made it to the neighborhood and slowed down, trying to appear as casual as possible while scanning the yards and house fronts for anything familiar. He made it to the end of a cul-de-sac and lazily circled, desperately trying to find anything. A car, maybe? If someone had a school bumper sticker, or maybe a soccer net?

Unfortunately, nothing was familiar. He paused at the corner, closing his eyes for a moment. A garage door opened a few houses behind him, and he glanced back. He thought someone with black hair was in the passenger seat, but the windows were tinted so he couldn’t tell for sure. He shrugged and kicked forward, turning on to the main street and making his way back home.

~~~

“Here,” Sakura held out a mug of tea.

“Thanks,” Naruto took it, absently staring at the TV. He’d had to google what channel the game was on because he'd always been there before.

That had been a weird conversation.

“Normally I'd call this stupid,” Kakashi sighed, “but I'm making a single exception.”

Naruto had glanced up, confused. It was Thanksgiving. It had mostly been nice, but the meal had been quietly tense, especially when they all said what they were thankful for this year.

“What?”

“Sasuke doesn't want you to come to the game tomorrow.”

“What?!”

Kakashi shrugged. “You don't have to listen to him, or me. But he had a pretty good reason.”

_“What!?”_

“Which I'm not telling you.”

Naruto crossed his arms, scowling. “This is bullshit.”

Kakashi shoved his hands in his pockets. “Do what you want, I won't stop you.”

And so here he was. Watching his friends play soccer on television as two ESPN talking heads spouted nonsense.

“Can you mute it?” He asked Sakura.

“Sure.”

She had been way too nice to him recently, which was stupid. It wasn't fair that this was his life now. He didn't even care about the love thing anymore. He'd be fine pining away forever if he could have his friend back.

“Do you want Ramen?” Sakura offered. “It might make you feel better.”

“I'm not, like, an invalid.”

“I know that!” She bristled. “It just...sucks.”

“Yeah.”

He turned back to listlessly watching the game. Sasuke was. Well, he was on fire. He’d already had a shot on goal, and he was setting up another one now.

“He looks angry,” Sakura commented.

“He's definitely playing like it.” Naruto’s fingers itched for a pen, but. It didn't matter.

Sasuke scored. And then scored again.

Sakura got up at halftime and went into the kitchen.

“He's playing really well,” she called.

“He'll probably get tournament MVP if he keeps it up,” Naruto said, glum.

“That's a good thing, right?”

“Very.”

She gave him another mug of tea. He pitied her future patients, but at least they'd be well hydrated.

The gameplay restarted. Sasuke scored another goal, and the small crowd went wild. Hats rained down from the stands, and they had to pause play to clean them all up.

“Yay!” Sakura cheered and threw her headband at the TV.

Naruto laughed as it got caught on the corner of the set. The camera zoomed in on Sasuke’s face. His expression was almost bored. Even in the crush of his teammates. Well, whatever.

The final buzzer sounded, and Naruto pulled his phone out, unable to stop himself.

good game :)

That night, they made comfort Fettuccine Alfredo, and Naruto expertly managed to not set anything on fire. They put on some dumb YouTube videos as they ate and went to bed relatively early.

Naruto was scrolling through Twitter in bed, already half asleep, when a notification popped up.

Sasuke

thanks.

“Ugh,” he groaned, dropping the phone on his face. “Ow.”

~~~

The weekend went by without much fanfare. The Lighting on Sunday went well, and the snowflake (ugh) key chains were a big hit. Naruto spent all of Monday morning working on a final presentation. He had three tests this semester, but only one was cumulative, and that one wasn't until next week anyway.

At exactly 3:00 PM, he got a text.

Sasuke

come to the practice field

“SAKURA!” He screamed, jumping up.

“WHAT?!” She rolled off the couch, holding her pen like a knife. “Is there a fire?!”

“No! Look!” He shoved his phone into her face.

“Oh. _Oh!_ ” She dropped the pen. “You need to go! Do you need a ride?”

“Do I?” Naruto checked outside. “No, it's nice, biking will be faster.”

“Good luck!” She pulled him into a quick, tight hug then shoved him towards the door.

“Thank you! Love you! Bye!”

He sprinted to the garage and jumped onto his bike, launching himself onto the street. He jumped the curb and pedaled flat out, skidding into the shortcut to the back of campus.

He made it to the field in under 5 minutes. There was a single person standing at the goal line, kicking a ball at the post.

“Sasuke?” Naruto asked, out of breath.

He turned, eyes widening in surprise. “Oh. That was fast.”

“Yeah, I, uh, biked really good.”

Naruto walked forward.

“Stay there,” Sasuke ordered.

Naruto stopped. “Okay.”

Sasuke turned back to the goal. “I can't look at you while I'm doing this.”

“Um…What is this?” Naruto asked nervously. “Because I just want to be your friend, I don't want—”

“I thought that—”

“—As long as you're there. Sorry.”

Sasuke paused. “You don't. Want to be anything else?”

“No, I mean, yes, but” Naruto spluttered.

“I was going to...” Sasuke’s ears were pink now. It was really distracting.

“I don't want to lose you again. I'll. I'll be anything you want to be, but I can't go through that again. Last week sucked.”

“It was bad.”

Naruto took a deep breath. “So. Friends?”

“No.”

“No?”

Sasuke huffed. “If you would just let me talk, I'll explain.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Stop interrupting.” Sasuke crossed his arms. “I talked to Dr. Tsunade today. She said I was being an idiot.”

“That doesn't sound therapeutic.” Sasuke didn't reply. “Oh, sorry. Shutting up.”

“Anyway, I couldn't talk to you because I couldn't cope with your liking me. And I didn't know why. And then we talked about it, and it's probably my childhood trauma being a little bitch again.”

Naruto nodded slowly. He didn't know where this was going, but it was nice to hear Sasuke’s voice again. He had missed it.

“And I'm actually in love with you, but I was too afraid of changing our relationship to do anything about it. And too afraid of those feelings changing, because they’ve been a part of me for so long.”

Naruto blinked. “You’re...what?”

“Also, I asked you not to come to the game because I knew I needed to go to therapy or I'd have another panic attack when I saw you, but it sucked.”

“Can we go back a bit? I'm still at the part where I think you said you were in love with me.”

“No, I have more of the speech.”

“Okay,” Naruto wheezed.

“I also realized that you've been it, for me, since we met. So Dr. Tsunade says it's maybe a bad idea to be in a relationship with you right now, considering all of the work I still need to do, but she also said that she knows I do what I want no matter how stupid it is.”

“I've been it?”

“Yeah.” Sasuke shrugged. “Even when I was in Europe, it was always you. I thought I hated you, but it's always been love. Which is a lot, so if you'd rather not date me, I get it. I'll just follow you around I guess, it won't be too different.”

Naruto took a shaky step forward. “Sasuke,”

“Karin said I shouldn't date you, but I'm pretty sure she's using her crush on me to avoid something. So, if this forces her to finally go to therapy it would be a bonus.”

“Sasuke.” Naruto was right behind him now. He could smell his conditioner, could see the way his hands were shaking.

“Yeah?”

“Can you turn around?”

“Fine.”

Sasuke turned, slowly, and Naruto carefully pulled him into a hug. Sasuke fell into him, tucking his head into Naruto's neck.

“You're so stupid,” Sasuke muttered. “Why does it have to be you, of all people?”

“Jerk.” Naruto could feel two spots of cold on his skin, right where Sasuke’s eyes were. “Are you crying?”

“No.”

“Aaaaw, Sasuke, that's adorable.”

“I take it back. I do hate you.”

“No, you love me, you love me so much.”

“Ugh.”

“You want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid,” Naruto said, giggling.

Sasuke reached up to smack Naruto in the back of the head and hissed, “I'm going to kill you.”

“Yeah right.”

Sasuke breathed out a laugh and relaxed again, letting his hands fall to Naruto’s waist. Naruto rubbed small, comforting circles on Sasuke’s back, humming contentedly. Sasuke loved him, Sasuke wanted to date him. Sasuke was going to let him come into the next game. He turned his head.

“Will you score a hat trick for me next week?”

Sasuke shifted back and glared affectionately. “I would do literally anything for you.”

“Even buy me Ramen?”

Sasuke sighed. “What part of ‘you’ve been the focal point of my life for over a decade’ did you not get? I wou—"

Naruto interrupted him with a short, soft kiss.

“Oh.” Sasuke blinked. “Do that again.”

Naruto did.

~~~

_You’re any picture in my head_

_Any book I’ve ever read_

“Come with me.” Sasuke was barely an inch away from Naruto’s ear but he still had to raise his voice over the music.

Naruto nodded, leaning forward as Sasuke turned, interlacing their fingers. They wove through the living room, ducking in between the clusters of people. Naruto waved vaguely when someone yelled his name, his grip on Sasuke keeping him centered. Sasuke opened the porch door and shoved Naruto out, then slid the blinds closed and followed.

Naruto stared. There was a lingering haze of cigarette smoke and weed, but the small area had been otherwise transformed. There were twinkle lights draped in the bushes, candles piled on the chairs, and glitter or something scattered on the floor. The light danced across the glitter and the frost in the yard, creating a beautiful, ethereal picture.

The music volume dropped as the door clicked shut. Naruto turned, mouth open in a small O.

“Did you…” he paused. “Did you do this? All of this?”

Sasuke cleared his throat. “Yeah. Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful.”

Sasuke smiled and walked over to a chair. He fiddled with something on the seat, and soft music started playing. The drum line came in first, steady as a heartbeat.

“Can I…will you dance with me?” Sasuke asked, holding out his hand.

“Of course.” Naruto took his hand and kissed him softly on the cheek, stepping forward so their chests were flush, and their breath intermingled.

A man’s gravelly voice started, and they swayed in time, turning in small circles. Naruto shivered and burrowed closer, tucking his head into Sasuke’s shoulder. He felt elsewhere. Like this was a dream. He’d had dreams exactly like this before, he thought.

“This is really gay,” he murmured.

“That was the point.”

“Why did you set all of this up? It’s beautiful, but I don’t need anything fancy.”

Sasuke shrugged, twirling them around. “I wanted to do something nice. We haven’t had our official first date yet, and since we’ll be in Cary for the semifinal soon we’ll both still be busy. And…I want you to know how much I love you.”

“Are there flower petals on our bed?”

Sasuke paused. “No.”

“Oh my god. I bet there are candles too. Dude, do you want to make sweet, sweet love as Adele plays in the background?”

“I will murder you in your sleep,” Sasuke grumbled. “And no court will find me guilty.”

“Okay, jerk.” Naruto pulled him in for a kiss.

A blissful mind-fog drifted in as they kept kissing. Naruto slid his hands under Sasuke’s jacket, tracing the muscles of his back. Sasuke curled his fingers into Naruto’s hair, thumb gently stroking the curve of his ear. After a small eternity, Sasuke pulled back. Naruto leaned forward, chasing his lips.

“Hey. You’re shivering.”

“Hmm.” Naruto buried his face in Sasuke’s neck. “I don’t want to let go of you.”

“We both have rooms in this house. They’re ten feet away.”

“Too far,” Naruto whined.

“If you get frostbite I’m telling your Dad.”

“…which one?”

“Both.”

“Uuuuuugh.” Naruto stepped back. “Fine.”

Sasuke smiled and grabbed Naruto’s hand. “Come on.”

When they opened the door, three people fell over scrambling to get away from the cracks in the blinds.

Naruto bowed, and dipped Sasuke into a dramatic kiss.

Ino made exaggerated fake vomiting noises from the kitchen.

“How was it?” Sakura asked, bouncing up on her heels.

“It was gorgeous, I loved it,” Naruto said, beaming.

“I helped as well!” Lee yelled. “I would do anything to support the love between my two excellent friends!!”

“You can all leave now,” Sasuke grumbled. “This was great, thanks for coming, enjoy winter break. Bye.”

“Sasuke, be a good host.”

“No.” Sasuke crossed his arms, but it was rather ineffective since he didn’t let go of Naruto’s hand.

“You’re so good at planning things, babe,” Naruto said, kissing him on the cheek, “but maybe wait until the end of the party next time.”

Sasuke sighed and let go of Naruto’s hand, grumpily making his way to the bar.

“I love you!” Naruto yelled.

Sasuke flipped him off.

_You found me here and I’ll never leave_

_I’ll never leave_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yaaaaay this is it!!! pretty much anyway. the last chapter is a lil epilogue full of truly, deeply wild shenanigans.   
> I hope you all enjoyed this final bit of angst and fluff and (finally) communication. I'll probably post a list of the songs on my tumblr? and maybe even the playlist I used while writing this lol.   
> anyway love you all!!!


	4. Chapter Four

_For he will do as he do do_

_And there's no doing anything abou-a-wow-t it_

“I’m in agony,” Sakura moaned, clutching her stomach.

Jason Derulo, uncomfortably large, incredibly close, and covered in CGI fur, jumped up onto a massive milk bar. The two old people in front of them huffed disapprovingly.

“I am very confused by the milk sign,” Sai said. “Why is it like that?”

Naruto leaned over, elbowing Sasuke as he whispered loudly to Sakura “You need to calm down! We aren’t even fifteen minutes into the movie, it’s going to get way worse!”

“You need to calm down!!” She whisper-shouted back.

“I’m so calm!”

Sasuke patted his hair. “Babe, you’re not calm at all. You’re yelling.”

“Oh.” Naruto sat back down. “Sorry.”

Sasuke kept petting him. “How is it so soft? He doesn’t even use shampoo.”

“What?”

“What?”

“I think we should have not invited them,” Sai commented.

“We’re going to be third wheels forever,” Sakura sighed.

Sai frowned. “I am technically the fifth wheel.”

“We’ll find you a boyfriend,” Naruto promised, reaching over to pat Sai on the shoulder.

“Thank you.”

The group of high schoolers behind them started giggling, and they shifted their focus back up to the screen. Jason Derulo was doing something ungodly with his hips. Naruto shook his head. This movie…this movie.

They made it another solid fifteen minutes, and then Rebel Wilson pulled off her cat skin and Sakura shrieked.

“What the FUCK!” Sasuke yelled.

“Nooooooo,” Sai moaned. “Please, no, make it stop.”

“Why are the cockroaches so big? What?!”

The elderly couple stood up, and with a final dirty glare, left.

“Oh god,” Naruto cried, “They’re gonna report us! We’re gonna go to jail.”

“No, sssssh, it’s okay,” Sasuke grabbed Naruto’s hands. “We just need to act sober, we’re totally fine.”

Sakura was literally sobbing with laughter, and Sai was shaking uncontrollably.

“I don’t think that’s gonna work, baby.”

“Well, we’ll look really sexy in jail.”

“Believe it!!”

After that it got kinda boring. There was the weird sibling incest song, and then the new Taylor Swift song which Naruto loved and everyone else thought was dumb. Then there was a bunch of weird heterosexual stuff, a dance break, and snotty crying Jennifer Hudson.

“I want the fancy suspenders cat,” Sasuke told Naruto. “I was told he’d be present and I’m very disappointed.”

“I think he’s soon,” Naruto promised.

They waited a few minutes, and Ian McKellen popped up.

“No!” Sai cried. “Sir Ian! Why?!”

“He doesn’t deserve this,” Sakura muttered. “None of us do.”

Judy Dench was as good as she could be, considering the whole weird cat CGI. At least she got a big coat.

“There he is!” Sasuke yelled. “My train man!”

“His dancing is very impressive,” Sai said. “He is clearly a professional train dancer.”

“No,” Sasuke whispered when he danced his way into gold glitter.

“It’s okay, baby,” Naruto murmured, kissing his hand. “He’s just a CGI train cat.”

“But he was my CGI train cat.”

“He wasn’t,” Sakura interrupted. “Is that…weed?”

“Is Taylor Swift giving her cat friends weed?”

“Hornyness weed?”

Naruto frowned. “This is the weird orgy scene, right?”

“I don’t know…it’s definitely weird enough.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sai whined, throwing an arm over his face. “When will this film end? This is torture.”

The end wasn’t swift, or painless. It took another forty minutes. The one song with the tuxedo magic cat was good, though.

“He’s gay,” Sasuke informed them seriously. “I read it online.”

They cheered vaguely when Macavity was defeated, then they all spent what felt like an hour staring at a balloon floating away and finally, finally, it was over, and they were free. The group wandered out of the theatre, shell-shocked.

“That was wild.”

Sasuke was draped over Naruto, borderline unconscious at this point.

“You’re such a lightweight,” Naruto cooed. “I’m so in love with you it’s stupid,”

Sakura rolled her eyes. “You’re disgusting. I’m ordering an uber.”

“We should stand by the door and try to look inconspicuous,” Sai suggested.

“Good idea!”

They wandered over towards the exit next to the sticker machines.

“I will purchase a sticker,” Sai announced. “Who has quarters?”

“I think I do?” Sakura rummaged through her wallet. “Aha!”

She handed Sai five quarters, which he solemnly accepted. “Thank you.”

While he was turning the crank on the machine, a group of high schoolers ran down the hallway towards them.

“Oh my god,” Naruto stood up straight up and tried to look as sober as he could. “Konohamaru! What are you doing here?”

“Watching Cats, obviously.”

“Oh no,” Sakura turned white.

“Were you…in the screening behind us? Were you those high schoolers?”

“Yeah.” Konohamaru crossed his arms. “Those old people left because of you,”

Naruto buried his head in Sasuke’s shirt. “Oh god, he’ll never respect me again. I’m a failure.”

“And it was funny as hell, you guys were so drunk. Respect.”

Naruto perked back up. “Really?”

“Yeah, dude.” Konohamaru laughed. “Also like, wasn’t that wild?! When Idris Elba did that ‘Macavity!’ thing I nearly peed my pants I was laughing so hard.”

“I knoooow,” Naruto howled. “Didn’t he, like, just say ‘magic!” One time?!”

“Yes! Oh my god, it was so bad.”

“You should be responsible and not like us,” Sakura told Moegi. “Love yourself. Find friends who don’t drag you to Cats.”

“It was pretty fun, though,” Udon said.

“Are you and Sasuke finally dating?” Konohamaru asked.

Naruto smiled down at their hands. “Yeah! Our two-month anniversary is soon! I’m gonna buy him something super dumb.”

“Don’t say that while he’s here!”

“I’m not here,” Sasuke said. “I’m drunk.”

“Yeah you are, baby.”

Sakura’s phone started ringing.

“Hello? Oh! Of course, we’ll be right out.” She grabbed Sai by the shirt collar. “Our Uber is here! Let’s go!”

“Bye Konohamaru!” Naruto yelled. Sasuke waved, clinging onto Naruto and humming.

Sai started humming along, then burst out into a surprisingly smooth tenor “Oh no! There never was there ever, a cat so clever as magical Mister Mistoffelees!”

They staggered into the uber, all holding hands, all singing at the top of their lungs.

_Jellicleeeees can and jellicles do_

_Jellicles can and jeeeeeellicles do_

_Jellicles can and jellicles do_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaah this is it!!! i hope you enjoy the literal pure crack that is this epilogue. thank you all so so much for our lovely comments and kudos, I deeply appreciate all of them. let me know what you want me to write next!! I'm thinking either more wild west stuff of perhaps a hades au....much to consider

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not saying that I kin Naruto, but I am saying that the fic only exists because i kept saying "omg wouldn't it be so funny if x thing that happened to me happened to naruto?"  
> this fic is complete, and it's going to be around 22k (I'm still editing so the final count my change a little). I'll be posting one chapter a week until we're done!!  
> come hang out with me on Tumblr, i'm @sos-gay and i have major Naruto brain rot.  
> 


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